Mama Emmy

Our sweet "Andma"

2010-12-03T08:21:00.005-05:00

My Grandmother passed away a few weeks ago. It was expected. The past couple of years had been really difficult for her as her diabetes and dementia worsened, she was carted in and out of the hospital with infections. Finally, it was decided to let her rest peacefully in her room at the nursing home and hospice was called in to make her more comfortable. The past few months she was really sick and slept most of the time. On a good day she would recognize my face and my dad's face. On a bad day she would ask annoyed, Who my dad was and why was he in her room. I had my last good visit with her about a week before she passed. At that point she was on morphine and asleep most of the time. Her eyes flickered opened and she looked at me. I asked if she knew who I was and she said "Of course I do honey, stand up here and let me see what you have on. " She was the fashion queen of her time, she loved beautiful things, and she loved clothes and shoes. So the first thing out of her mouth whenever she saw me was "What do you have on?" She was an elementary school teacher, a Sunday school teacher and a stickler for proper grammar. She hated to cook, loved to clean and had a house once decorated finely enough to be a spread in an Ethan Allen catalog. She was deeply religious, with a wicked, bathroom since of humor. She loved to shock people with her dirty jokes. She passed away peacefully at dusk, she was 88.

I had been with her just hours before and I knew it wouldn't be long. Dozens of nurses and nurses aids who had cared for her so lovingly came in to say goodbye. They talked to her and kissed her cheek as they cried. It's amazing how many people she touched in the 7 years she lived at the nursing home. She would always say to them "If you can't come in here with a smile on your face, you might as well turn back around and go out of here. "

At the funeral her four remaining brothers and sisters lined the casket to receive friends. She was the second born of the five. She went out in style, of course, she would have had it no other way. She had hand picked the music to be played. She was in her beautiful blue suit with her pearls. I will treasure all the great stories she told me. Stories about growing up on a farm in Carter County and sharing a room with her sister Chris. Stories about falling in love with my Grandpa at 15. About living in El Paso during war time and about the night my dad was born. She could always tell a great tale. I Spent nearly every weekend at her house from the time I was a toddler until I was 15. Nothing was off limits there. I would spend hours baking cookies and drinking cokes from little glass bottles late into the night. She would give me books to pour through from her collection. She gave me a copy of Ann Frank. My sister and I would play dress up with her best shoes and her dresser drawer full of costume jewelry. She would chase us around the back yard all afternoon and would let us help water her flowers. After her death,
I was given a beautiful portrait of her from the 40's when she was only 22. In it her blue eyes look amused, like just the two of you are sharing one of her jokes. Her mouth turned up in a slight, crooked smile. I was also given her bible, which I treasure. In the back she had hand written all her favorite passages. She was truly one of a kind and I will miss her deeply.

Inspired... here are a few of my favorite things!

2010-10-19T14:06:00.004-04:00

*Blueberry pancakes on Saturday mornings. (This has turned into our little family tradition.)
*Nag Champa incense.
*Dove chocolate.
*The way my kids look when they first wake up.
*Flip flops. (No matter how many expensive pairs of sandals I buy flip flops are always my fav.)
*Queso from El Torito
*French vanilla coffee creamer
*Dangly earring
*Flannel sheets.
.*The way it smells right after it rains.
*Stained glass
*Hand written letters
*Cherry coke with REAL cherries in it.
* Finding the perfect Christmas tree.
*Homemade soup
*People who sing off key but belt it out anyway :)
*Midwives
*Houseplants
*Butterflies
*Wind-chimes
*Ridgewood Barbecue
*B&W Pictures
*Anything purple!
*Dan Auerbach's voice.
*My belly cast.
*Doulas
*My wedding rings (The were my grandmas)
*Coloring. :)
*My shelf of favorite books.
*Stargazer Lilies
*Hearing the perfect song on the radio at the beginning of the day.

Fender's Farm

2010-10-19T13:29:00.004-04:00

Took a little trip to Fender's Farm. We actually made it through the whole corn maze this time!
I ♥ Fall!!!

Into the Storm.

2010-10-19T10:48:00.008-04:00

It took me a long time to come to terms with Logan's birth. Having my first child be a preemie and spending months in the NICU it was something I never wanted to experience again. With each pregnancy my passion for birth, especially anything related to natural childbirth grew.
With Noah, it was such a positive experience, very fast, very easy. No complications. My end goal was always, a healthy baby. A term baby. Once I hit 37 weeks I would breathe a huge sigh of relief.

After Logan was born his color was terrible so they immediately had to take him over to the warmer and tried stimulating him. I was so exhausted and relieved to have him out I really wasn't concerned about it. We have it on video, he was crying but deep grunting noisy cries. At one point a nurse handed him back to me for only a minute, but then just as quickly took him away again. "That's not a pretty color." She said. My heart sank as I watched her thump his back and rub his little feet. Fear crept in my mind as I realized maybe it was more serious then just taking a few minutes to adjust. Maybe his lungs were premature, and maybe just maybe they would end up having to transfer him to another larger hospital with an NICU.
A nurse practitioner told us they were going to give him some oxygen but that if he kept grunting and didn't show signs of improvement they would call over the on call NICU doctor and they would decide would decide what steps needed to be taken.

I still was holding out that he would perk up and be fine and then would bring him back to me. I told Josh to call his mom and tell her not to bring Bella, just in case Logan still wasn't doing well. Mom and David brought me food and my mom hung my diaper wreath on the door. I felt weak and dizzy. An hour later the NICU team showed up. A doctor came in and sat across from us. "Your son shows signs of lung prematurity." "He will need oxygen and may need to be intubated, and we will give him medication to make him more comfortable."
They went through the endless list of questions, did I drink, any drug use, did I smoke?
"Sometimes, you do everything right and this just happens." The doctor said, other times you have people that smoke, and do everything wrong and have a healthy baby." The next hours were like a blur. The nurse said the doctor who had delivered me would be calling me. He could not have been kinder, he told me he was comfortable with me being discharged and going home that night if I felt up to it. Of course, I couldn't wait to get out of there and over to the hospital where they would be taking Logan. So that was it. A nurse helped me up to the bathroom I put on clean pajamas, signed a stack of paper work, filled out my sons birth certificate and prepared to leave about 3 hours after he was born. I asked to see him before we left, they were just getting ready to transfer Logan by ambulance. A nurse led me into a back room. where my sweet boy was in a incubator that had put in a breathing tube and started an IV. two nurses stood in front of him. The most heart-wrenching thing I've ever seen is a baby crying on a ventilator. You can see the tears, and see them crying. But there is no sound. Just the beep of machines, my poor son was in pain and I couldn't help him. I had made it a point not to cry until then, but at that moment, I just lost it. The doctor said, "Let Mama touch the baby." The nurses moved aside and I held his tiny hand and stroked his head. He was so beautiful. As we walked out into the cool spring night I felt enraged. Why had this happened, why to me? Why?! Not again, my heart was crushed. We drove straight to the hospital and went straight to the third floor, NICU. We picked up the phone to be buzzed in. The smell of the soap made my stomach turn. We had spent three months here when Bella was born, I never thought I would be here again. After hours of sitting with Logan we finally went home to try to sleep for a couple hours.
I climbed into bed and stared at my baby's empty bed and sobbed. "It's going to be alright, it's not fair, but it will be OK, he will be fine." Josh tried to reassure me. Still, there is nothing like the emptiness of leaving the hospital without your baby. Even if it's just for a day. I thought of my own mother, how she had left the hospital years ago only to pick out a tiny gown for her precious girl to be buried in. How had she had the strength to go on, and even try many times again to have a child of her own?

In the morning another doctor called, the diagnosis, possible pneumonia.
I spent the next two days at the NICU and Logan continued to get worse. I sat outside the hospital with Noah in my lap, we had brought him to meet his baby brother. "Baby sick." he said. His worried brown eyes looking down at Logan who was sedated and covered with tubes. He was on a high frequency ventilator then. It shook his whole body. One of the doctors stopped to talk to me, he sat down next to me. "He's very sick isn't he?" I said, "Yes, it worries me when they get like this." I felt numb." "Will he be OK, I mean will he survive this?" I don't know how I was able to even ask him. "He has to." The doctor simply told me. "You must pray." By the end of the afternoon a nurse called us at shift change, the doses of nitric hadn't worked. Logan was still very critical. There was a possibility they would have to put him on ECMO. A machine that provides, heart and lung support. It was the last thing they could do. They didn't have one at our hospital so Logan would be transferred by air to Wake Forest, in Winston Salem. We signed more papers, and I watched as the prepared to take my son. Everyone spoke in whispers, even the tiniest bit of noise, was too much stimulation for such a sick baby. We couldn't even touch him. We drove to my mom's house that day before leaving. The kids had been there for the past two days, and today was Mother's Day. The held up handmade cards they had worked on all day. I kept my sunglasses on and cried so hard I couldn't see straight. "Mommy has to go be with baby brother, he's very sick." They didn't understand, Bella knew her brother was going to another hospital in a helicopter.

If was after two in the morning when we finally made it to the Wake Forest NICU. Josh's boss, who was living in Winston at the time was waiting for us. He offered his condolences and asked if he could do anything to help. Two young women introduced themselves as the on call Doctors. They were in sweats and looked too young to be doctors. They gave us an official diagnosis of Presistent Pulmonary Hypertension, and said Logan had been admitted with respiratory failure.
"He is very critical, but he's not the sickest baby here." "We will only use ECMO as a last resort, and we may not even need to. We just want to be prepared." I hadn't slept in nearly three days, I cried again and a nurse hugged me. "Go try to get some, rest. There is nothing you can do for him now." "We will call you if anything changes." I wanted to hold my baby, to touch his tiny face and hands, to let him feel me. He was sedated and on a Fentanyl drip. Even my hands on him were too much stimulation. Over the next 9 days Logan got better. I cried, and pumped and prayed, and cried some more. I will say one thing for Wake Forest, never have I encountered so many caring souls, the doctors, nurses, social workers for the hospital, even the lactation consultant. Everyone was so kind and accommodating. So quick with hugs and kind words which mean so much in times when there really isn't anything to do but wait.
Logan was getting better, on the 9th day in Winston they began weaning him from his pain medicine, Josh called me ecstatic form the hospital, he had gone in alone that morning while I had stayed with the boys, who had joined us later in the week. "They are taking him off the ventilator, they say he's a rock star, and if he keeps improving they should be able to transfer him home sometime tomorrow!"Later a 30 second video came through the phone. I watched as my son opened his eyes for the first time, and I got a glimpse of his face without the tape to hold the breathing tube in-place. "Logan." Josh cooed in the background. "Hi buddy, your doing really good." Your nose looks just like your brother's, Jack." I cried tears of pure joy and was never so happy in my life. I knew we still had a long road ahead of us but my son was a fighter, he would survive. The very next day he was able to come back to our hospital in Tennessee. He arrived home completely weaned off oxygen. Which I guess he decided he had had enough of on the ambulance ride back. Eating was tricky, he was tired and still recovering from being so sick To everyone surprise and my delight he was able to nurse much more efficiently then taking a bottle of pumped milk. Nearly three weeks after his birth, our sweet baby boy was finally able to come home. I will never forget all the wonderfully, kind family, friends and hospital staff that helped us make it through such an unimaginable time. There really are angels among us. I know that to be true.

My favorite people.

2010-10-18T16:02:00.000-04:00

The Birth Story of Logan Henry. May 7th 2010

2010-10-18T15:21:00.014-04:00

Logan's birth was my most difficult physically. I suppose it was natures way of preparing me for what was to come in the weeks ahead. I went into labor at 37 weeks. On Friday morning the 7th of May. We were fortunate enough to have been blessed with amazing nurses who were so supportive and excited for us to have a natural birth.(This is rare in our local hospitals) Things had gone so quickly with Noah I hurried to the hospital as soon as my contractions were steady with Logan. We made the decision to strip my membranes and we did a lot of walking and some slow dancing to Ben Harper. Still things were slow. I expected a short easy birth, but it just goes to show you each birth is different. By early evening I was stuck at 7 and contractions had all but completely stopped. The doctor had stopped asking to break me water because we had told him from the beginning we wanted as little intervention as possible.
At around 7 that night we decided to go ahead and allow him to to it. I then practically flooded our room! I have always had a ton of amniotic fluid, and my water has never once broken on its own. I set on a stack of towels that I kept soaking through. Things were moving again. I immediately had strong contractions just a minute or two apart and an hour later I felt the urge to push. The doctor brought several nurses in who were scattered around the room silently watching. Josh later remarked how it had annoyed him and he saw no point in having that many people in the room. (At that point, things were going smoothly and they was so reason to anticipate any problems during the birth or with Logan.) I pushed a few times and I heard a nurse say it looked like the baby had a lot of hair. The doctor then asked if I wanted him to do a pundendal block. I said "No, that's OK." like he was asking me if I wanted more coffee or something. I had told him repeatedly I didn't want one earlier and that I would rather tear than be cut. Also, I knew if he didn't do the block he wouldn't give me an episiotomy. And it worked! No tear, no epsiotomy. I pushed again and tried holding my legs back but it didn't feel right. I instinctively put my hands down to support Logan's head as it started to crown. Then the doctor asked me if I wanted to catch him. Of course I said yes! With a few more pushes my beautiful Logan Henry was born, 7 lbs 10 ozs, 20 1/2 inches long.I pulled him up onto my stomach and was just in aw of how gorgeous he was. Later, it was even more precious and sacred to me that I was given to opportunity to catch him and be the first to touch him. Because it would be days before I could hold him again. Logan is such a little fighter, he has a warrior spirit. We are so thankful and blessed each day that he not only survived but is thriving.

Finally back on here again!

2010-02-11T09:19:00.009-05:00

I'm going to make it a point to try to get on here at least a couple times a month. Just to do little updates. It's so much fun to look back and read all the blogs from last year. So much has changed! In the last month we have... moved again, back to east Tennessee. We are right across the street from Bella's school and two huge playgrounds, the kids have plenty of room to ride bikes and play.Also, the 4th addition to our family will be here sooner than later, baby boy #3 will be making his appearance this May. We are SO excited! At first Bella, was a little disappointed she really wanted a little sister but now she can't wait to meet her new baby brother, it just makes sense for her to be the only girl and the leader of all these little guys. I'm so thankful to be back in Tennessee and near family. I can't wait to see what the new year brings.

Trick or Treat and a trip to Tennessee...

2009-11-08T08:21:00.005-05:00

We were able to take a trip to Tennessee a few weeks ago. We stayed with my mom, the leaves were at their peak and were absolutely beautiful! I drove up to NC with my dad one afternoon and it was so pretty, the air smelled so good. The whole thing made me so home sick! I cried as soon as we left to go back to Florida. But, I know in my heart as long as we are together as a family we will be okay. Also we had the big trick or treat 2009. It was a success! Noah was Elmo, Jack Tigger, Bella was Belle, Bella's friend was a fairy! They kids had a blast and got lots of candy!

So...

2009-10-04T12:30:00.002-04:00

I'm a negative Nancy, I know. I miss the mountains. I miss our back yard. The kids have been sick for a month it feels like. Noah's eardrum ruptured from his very first ear infection it was awful. I just rocked him for hours and he cried and cried. Now Bella was home for a week with the flu...
I hate Tallahassee. There, I said it! I feel so much better now. Josh is still applying for different jobs all over the place. Mainly in the South, North and South Carolina, Georgia, Virgina, a couple in Florida, some up north. Please pray and send out positive thoughts he will find something soon and we will get out of here.

Moving on.

2009-09-19T08:13:00.003-04:00

So... it looks like we may not be in Tallahassee that long after all. After lots of talking Josh decided the 4 yr. Grad program he was beginning wasn't for him. He told me his heart just wasn't in it, he wasn't passionate about it. He was ready to try something new, to get out and try to make a difference. From the beginning it didn't feel right to me either. It was just such a relief for him to finally talk about it! After we both decided for sure he was going to leave the program he called and talked to both his parents. And they both completely understood, and are behind him. So off on another adventure we go! We will stay put for now. He's applying for jobs in the Fl panhandle and mainly in the south.Georgia, North Carolina, South Carolina... we will certainly not be going back to East TN anytime soon. But anything else is a possibility. So we will see what happens.

The past few weeks have been so busy! We've had family come to visit for the past two weeks. And we all had colds that wouldn't quit. Noah got sick for the first time ever! And it took him nearly a week to get over it. But he's doing so much better today! His first ear infection, with a fever and cutting 3 teeth makes for a loooong week.

Birth Matters

2009-09-12T22:05:00.008-04:00

Your birth matters! This video is amazing! It brought me to tears. It was also awesome that many of the couples who chose to home birth were doctors. Spread the word. Women need to know the facts, know the statistics,be aware. Then make a decision that is right for you and your family.

School Days

2009-09-03T15:26:00.007-04:00

Here was her first homework assignment. Her about ME poster. We cut out pictures of all her favorite things and glued them on. Hello Kitty, ice cream, doggies, Nail polish, and Mimi. Ha!

Nearly three weeks ago Isabella started school! She did much better than I thought she would. She was supposed to start last year but because the school district was so bad where we used to live we decided to wait and held her back a year. We thought emotionally, socially, she wasn't ready either. Some of her her fine motor skills were lagging and I really wanted the extra time to work with her.

Josh didn't have his first class until late in the afternoon so we were all able to go and take her together. I felt fine until we got right outside her classroom and then it hit me. My eyes welled up with tears which I sucked back because the last thing I wanted was for her to see ME cry. I was scared that she would lose it. She did great though! We found her little cubbie and I helped her put her stuff up then we found her desk and she sat right down and started coloring a worksheet.

Then after lots of hugs and kisses I went out in the hallway with the boys while Josh said his goodbyes. I started tearing up more then Jack started wailing and tears were streaming down his face. "Isabella, I want my sister, I want Isabella!!" I picked him up and cried with him and said "I want Isabella too!"
I actually saw a lot more parents breaking down then kids.
The NEXT day was the really tough one. We didn't get to walk into class and get her settled in. I had to force her into line with her class when the bell rang. I watched her ears turn red and I knew she was crying a little and it broke my heart!!! I wanted to run in and grab her and race home. I seriously thought about going in to check back on her. But instead I went home and looked at the clock about every 3 minutes until it was finally time to pick her up! My baby is growing up! Afterwords she was fine, she was all excited about her music class, and show and tell day. And even met a new friend and they colored together. I can't believe my baby girl is growing up!

so tired!

2009-08-15T08:36:00.005-04:00

Beach trip is being postponed... Bella and Josh were sick last week. Josh thought it was just his allergies... then Bella got sick and got a fever. Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat and by the end of the day both the boys had coughs and runny noses sooo... I think we are going to try to go early Tuesday?

Last night was rough Noah was up late, didn't want to sleep in his crib, he felt clammy and was congested. I couldn't find the baby vicks. Josh just held him and gave him ice water and played Jack Johnson for him for an hour. He made a new play list called "sleepy time." For some reason Jack Johnson has put all of them to sleep as babies. Then Bella was up 4 times, at least?? I lost count, she was scared. When she wakes up she stands in the living room and yells until we come get her. She gets scared sooo easily. She won't even go upstairs by herself. I know part of it is just being in a new place. FINALLY at 4:30 she fell back asleep! Then Jack was up at 6:30 along with a very fussy Noah bear. So to keep the boys quiet I let them watch...
BARNEY!!!
Josh can't stand it! Anytime it comes on he immediately turns the tv off. It always makes me think of my best friend from middle school. Whenever I would go over to her house her Mom would have tapes of Barney on for her little sister. Sad thing is I think the episodes they watched were probably that old!

Fun at the beach!

2009-08-12T22:02:00.010-04:00

We took our first trip to the beach since moving!! We went to Mexico beach and stayed two nights. It was so much fun!! We couldn't have asked for better weather. The kids had a blast. Bella was a little fish in the water. If we were out of the beach then she was in the water. She also got TONS of shells. Now she wants to make necklaces out of them.. So I'm trying to figure out how to do that. They also had a chance to use their boogie boards Derek's mom had sent them. Bella just floated around on hers. But Jack, kept standing on his and asking me to push him, on his surf board. LOL! It was so cute and funny. Noah liked it too. Josh just held him in the water for a long time and he just laughed and floated around. An awesome trip! We are already making plans to go back to the beach for a day trip Saturday!

The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so; but we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitoes and silly people. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Noah is now scaling this HUGE chair we have that used to be my Grandpa's. He thinks he's so big. Now, not only does he climb and sit up in the chair. He sticks his feet in the little holes in the back of it and climbs up it! Like a little rock climber. Then he tries to get he blinds so I had to turn it around. I have the funniest video of Jack and Bella sliding down it! When Jack was about Noah's age.

in the sunshine state!

2009-08-09T22:31:00.009-04:00

After two days in the car, two nights in motels, and a mini-meltdown we finally made our way to Tallahassee. We drove by our new place to check it out late Monday afternoon. The guy that we were sub-leasing from was still packing up stuff so I knew it wouldn't be totally move in ready. Still, I got nervous when we drove up. We ended up waiting around outside for a few minutes before he showed up. There were mini liquor bottles and trash thrown outside next to the door and aluminum foil taped over the window. Then he let us in... there were huge stains all over the carpet, shot glasses on the kitchen counter and it reeked of smoke. At that point I freaked out and couldn't even really take it in. I thought man we have made A huge mistake! This can't be IT!

I was literally holding back tears and then ended up crying on the drive back to the motel. I spent the next day feeling like my dog had died. It sounds SO selfish and spoiled. I feel embarrassed just thinking about it. But it was just nothing how I had pictured it. then I started thinking about how we have SO much. How lucky we are and how very far we have come. I was already home sick and just SO exhausted from driving. Josh's Mom was so nice she even bought us a new vacuum and took all of us out to eat. Still EVERYONE was on edge and moody and there was lots of family drama. There was all this weird tension that had to do with other things not even related to the move. So it just made the whole mood very weird.. But by the time everyone left Thursday it looked awesome! We got out most of the major stains and aired the place out and the kids loved having a house with stairs and a bathroom that they both can share upstairs.
I really love it now. It's silly how attached you can get to the idea of things. I guess after living out in the middle of nowhere in the country any move is going to be a big adjustment. Also, Josh's Step mom was awesome and made beautiful curtains for Bella's room and downstairs. So sweet of her! We are just a couple minutes from Bella's school. We already took the kids out to play on the playground there. And Bella was so excited. I can't believe my baby will be in school in just two weeks!! We are making the most of the next couple weeks, and are going back to Mexico Beach for a couple days tomorrow!

We also went to Lake Ella, and it was really beautiful. The kids loved all the
turtles.

On another note Noah bug is walking!! He officially took his first steps the day after his first Birthday but just yesterday and today is really on the move!

What a Difference A Year Makes

2009-07-21T22:39:00.009-04:00

My littlest baby, sweet baby Noah turned one today. This past year has gone by so quickly! I have enjoyed every minute of cuddling him, nursing him, holding him and smelling his sweet baby smell. Not that I didn't with my two older kids. But, I guess with your first you are so ready for them to get to the next stage. To reach that milestone. You can't wait for them to crawl, then walk, then talk! I realize how precious that first year is, and how it passes by in a flash. I had no problem getting up every couple hours to nurse. I pretty much stayed holed up in the house in my sweatpants and nursing bra for nearly two weeks after he was born and just nursed him and held him.

July 21st 2008 started like any other day. I was 10 days shy of my due date and absolutely miserable. I was so big and uncomfortable, I couldn't sleep longer then 2 or 3 hours at a time. I would normally wake up around 4 or 5 and then would take a nap later in the morning. It was too hot to even be outside so I stayed inside most of the day. Late that morning I forced myself off the couch and into the shower and some how managed to shave my legs. Josh was finishing up with his classes for the day and called to see if I wanted anything from dairy queen for lunch. Of course, I was pregnant! He brought me a chili dog which I devoured then as I got up to use the bathroom I thought I felt something. Now I think it was more than likely my water breaking. Which had never happened on its own before. But after going to the bathroom since it was only a small wet spot. I though I had peed on myself and didn't think much of it. I was hot, bored and going stir crazy so I decided to take Isabella with me over to my Mom's for a visit. She only lived about a 15 minute drive from our house. Just a few minutes into the car ride I thought what felt like a contraction. I blew it off as being a stomachache from the greasy lunch. But they were consistent I had at least 3 in the car. I told my Mom as soon as we walked in I THOUGHT this could be it but I was going to wait around a few minutes to see. Over the next 10 minutes I had two really strong contractions. I knew instantly, this was it! Noah was coming TODAY! I called Josh and told him I was having pretty strong contractions about every 5 minutes and that he should get our bag and get jack ready to go. So we could leave for the hospital as soon as I got back to the house. My Mom followed us out to the car, as I sat down another contraction hit and I had to stand back up in the driveway until it was over. The look on my Mom's face was priceless. "Are you sure you want to drive?" Why don't you just let me take you home?!" "I'll be fine." I said It will just take a few minutes to get home." The contractions were stronger and now about every 4 minutes as I drove down the interstate towards our house. I was having to breathe through them. Isabella sat quietly in the back seat and watched me. "Mommy, why are you blowing?" "It makes my tummy feel better." When I got home it was 4 o'clock about an hour had passed since I had felt my first contraction. We got everyone in the car. I went back up to the house to get the exercise ball and the camera. At this point I was feeling nervous, and I just wanted to get to the hospital. It was a BEAUTIFUL bright, sunny day. When we drove. The kids were so excited in the back seat. They knew Noah was coming! Josh put on a mixed cd he had made and Led Zeppelin's Rain Song came on.

It is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to know.
You are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before.
It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low.

It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom.
Speak to me only with your eyes. It is to you I give this tune.
Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all from
time to time.

It was so beautiful! It was the first time I'd ever heard it.Now every time I do it brings tears to my eyes, I think of the day Noah was born.

We dropped the kids off and then headed to the hospital at this point we had only been in the car maybe 15 minutes. I was getting stronger contractions, I couldn't talk on the phone to my sister and had to hand it off to Josh. "This is just really intense!" I pressed my cheek against the car window and tried to do breathing through another contraction. "You're having another one?" Josh asked. At this point I wasn't able to time them. They were 2 minutes apart. When we got to the hospital I felt relieved, we walked right back to a nurses station in labor and delivery. half a dozen nurses stood around talking. One finally led us to our room. A not so sunny, elderly lady who seemed not SO thrilled to be there. I changed and got on the monitor. The nurse left and sent Josh to the lobby to fill out paper work. The contractions were still every couple minutes. I stood up, laying down wasn't going to happen. I bent over and instinctively bit the blanket on the bed it hurt SO bad. But then in the next minute it was over! I laughed at myself thinking what would the nurse say if she had walked in and seen me. That's the thing that always surprises me about contractions. Yes they are strong, they are brutal, they are a force and pain that's SO intense!! In one minute you can be in this blinding pain and the next boom, it's over. The pain completely stops, just as quickly as it comes on.

When the nurse came back in the room I asked her if she would please NOT check my cervix until Josh came back. I should have known I was SO close! The idea of her checking me made my skin crawl. I just wanted to be left alone. Josh came back and I tried to rest on the bed while she started through a long list of endless questions. I answered maybe 2? Then I couldn't deal with it, I zoned out through the waves of contractions. I could here myself moaning through them, and blowing through them. She leaned forward at one point to adjust the monitor and I apologized from blowing my rank chili breath in her face. Then a few minutes later, she said" You're going to wear yourself out if you keep breathing that fast!" "Screw you!" I thought I no longer liked her and I kept asking Josh to push harder on my lower back which was now killing me! I was feeling panicked, this is what I wanted, but HOW will I keep THIS up for hours?1! It's just TOO intense!! At this point we had only been there maybe 15 minutes, but my contractions were right on top of each other. The nurse left and again I stood up next the bed. I was talking to Josh, then all of a sudden it felt like a bowling bowl was between my legs. I literally felt the Noah's head move down!! "Josh!" I screamed the baby's head is coming out!" At this point Josh ran out to get a nurse. The same half a dozen who had been at the nursing station were now all packed in my room staring at me. "Help me!" I shouted. Our nurse told me I would have to lay back so she could check me. As soon as she did I instantly began to push. She looked at the nurse next to her. "Break down the bed, and page the Doctor." "The head's right there." At this point the urge to push was undeniable. I grunted and pushed, and it started to burn. "No!" Our nurse shouted. I wanted to kick her in the face. Another contraction hit and I pushed again. I was shocked at the noises that came out of my mouth. Deep primal grunts and groans, I didn't care if the entire labor and delivery staff was hanging out at my bedside to watch. It was way beyond me at that point. another nurse finally came up to me she guided my face to hers and looked at me with the warmest brown eyes and the kindest, smile, like we shared a secret. Just breathe. She said. She breathed in and out and I followed her. She looked right at me and I felt high. She looked like mother Earth, Her voice was so calm and even, her smile was so sure. She smiled and took slow even breaths, I followed and smiled back at her. For a moment the contractions were gone, and the room buzzed. Josh looked on, there were tiny beads of sweat on his forehead. It's funny how the room was filled with all these nurses but she was the only one to stop long enough to actually help. I will never forget her kind, beautiful face. FINALLY after what seemed like hours but it really was no more then a few minutes. The Doctor was there! I pushed 3 times and out came Noah Benjamin. Born at 5:08 pm. Just TWO hours, after my first contraction. He was so perfect! He was so pink and healthy and immediately cried. I cried too. My sweet baby was here!
We did it! He had the sweetest little round face, just a little bit of light hair, and the fattest nursey lips I'd ever seen. Everyone was shocked when Josh ran out to the car to grab the camera, and told everyone in the waiting room I had already had the baby! We had been at the hospital 26 minutes! Later, Jack and Bella came to meet their brother for the first time. Bella was so proud and loved to hold him. Jack said "SHE"S pretty!" and then there were five. I never thought I would be so blessed to have such a big, beautiful family!

celebrations...

2009-07-19T22:13:00.013-04:00

I haven't written anything on here in weeks! It's been super busy the past month. In exactly one week we will be driving on our way to Tallahassee!! I can't believe it's almost time to go! The time has just FLOWN by!! We got up really early yesterday, to see all the hot air balloons in Kingsport. The do this every year early in the morning. I guess as sort of an end of Fun Fest? I don't know, I had never been to Fun Fest though I had heard about it. But, I'd never heard of the hot air balloons. We got down town about 7:30 and it was packed!! Tons of people lined the sides of the street, sitting on the curb and it lawn chairs just waiting to watch the balloons go up. It reminded me of waiting for a parade to start. Anyway... I was amazed to see so many people. Especially tons of families with little kids. I wasn't exactly thrilled about getting up at 5:30 so we could be in Kingsport by 7:30 but it really was BEAUTIFUL! The kids LOVED it! We stayed until the very last one was way up in the air. Then we went with Josh's Mom and had breakfast. By 11:00 we were all wiped out and everyone came home and took a looong nap.

Today was Josh's brother's Birthday and Noah's Birthday is in just two days so Josh's Mom had a Birthday cookout for them today. It was also the last time we will all get together before the big move! They got Noah the coolest riding wagon with little seats and doors in it. So cute!! They rode around in the driveway forever. Bella and Jack loved it! Noah was not so sure what to think at first. Then Isabella and Jack got got to practice riding their bikes! The bikes were presents they got last month from Grandma. But, because our driveway is gravel and the road we live off is way too busy with traffic and doesn't have sidewalks they have just kept them to ride at Grandma's house. But, they will be going with us to Florida. We will have sidewalks where we are living.

Also, we got to spend the 4th of July weekend in a cabin in North Carolina. It was so beautiful and the friends that invited us had a little boy who was two. So the kids had so much fun playing with him. This is a view from the back deck...

For Josh.

2009-06-26T00:25:00.008-04:00

June 8th 2002

I love my husband. I know, if I was just meeting him for the first time, I would still be just as attracted to him. Just as fascinated by what he has to say. He is truly besides our 3 babies my favorite person on the planet. He is the realest person I have ever known.
When we met 8 years ago I was just finishing high school. I literally had just graduated a couple days before we met. We did EVERYTHING the wrong way the way everyone tells you not to do it!

June 8th 2009
We were inseparable from our first date on. A couple months later we decided to move in together. My Mom was so upset, she thought at any minute I would come home. At the time I was 18 and he was 20. We decided to get engaged about 4 months later. We drove over to my Mom's house to tell her in person. To make it official! Thinking back now, how young we were, I was just 18!! We hadn't even known each other 6 months, neither of us had jobs at the time or were in school. I can't believe they all didn't laugh in our faces. When we got married almost a year to the day we met. Nobody thought it would last!

Well, we made it. Or are making it. I know no relationship, no marriage is perfect. I believe in taking each day as it come. I believe in love, and in compromise, and most of all I believe in letting the little things slide! Freaking out when things don't go exactly as you want, or arguing when you don't agree JUST to get your way are the biggest mistakes I've made! It took me so long to learn to pick and choose my battles wisely. It took me forever to learn that! These are just a few things I love about Josh...

He is the best listener. When you tell him something, he really hears it. He gets it.
He never puts on an act, he is what he is. Nothing more, nothing less. If you are an insurance salesman, working at Burger King, a bank executive, or a homeless person on the street. He will treat you the exact same. He has so much respect for EVERYONE. He cares REALLY cares about people. And wants to make a change. He is such an awesome Dad. The love he has for his kids amazes me. He's so patient with them. He also helps with them as much as I do. changing them, feeding them, giving them a bath. And he LIKES to do it! I'm so grateful he hasn't had a regular 9-5 job so he has had the chance to spend so much time with the kids! He is such a hard worker! He puts all his energy and focus, into whatever he's doing. He has taught me so much about myself! Not to sell myself short. Whatever I'm interested in. He will listen and want to learn about it too. He has taught me so much about the nature of people,and what's really important. He is truly my hero. I love to just hear him talk, and he is the best whistler! Seriously, it's a lost art! He's always singing too. Always, and it makes me happy.

I miss... flashback... not sure where this is going.

2009-06-24T23:05:00.005-04:00

I have been missing my sister like crazy since she moved. She's only been gone a couple weeks and it feel like months!! We are trying to plan some last minute things to do before we move at the end of next month. Places we want to see and revisit. I know we will be back, but, I know it won't be the same too. Which is really bitter sweet. Things I "plan" on doing... it's a running joke because I know half of them probably won't happen...

I want to drive into Elizabethton, feed the ducks, take pictures of the covered bridge, and take my kids to the park there. Then maybe eat at Dino's. The down town area is dead, the little ice cream shop across the street is gone. I believe last time I drove by it was a dentist office? Still these are my most cherished memories, and places of being little. I also wanted to drive by my Grandparents home, where I spent practically every weekend and summer of my childhood. But I'll have to see, that might be too much.

We were thinking about going to Dennis Cove and having a picnic. It's so beautiful here. Driving home from Tallahassee I really looked at the mountains for the first time and was in awe of how beautiful they are, right in my back yard. It is so beautiful! Lately every night we have deer come into the back yard and eat off our pear tree. Normally I just see two or three. Last year around April I saw 9! Also we have mint and honey suckle everywhere I will miss how good it smells, and the sounds of the train at night.

When I was 7 and my mom decided to pack up my sister and I and move us to Miami so she could marry husband number two. An architect she had met at a high school reunion.

The wedding was fun, I thought at the time. I got to wear a ridiculously poofy mint colored dress. And got to get my hair done at a beauty salon, where they gave me a french braid with little bits of baby's breath tucked in it. I snuck champagne at the reception and drank a big mouthful on a dare from a 13 yr. old cousin. I liked when the DJ announced my name in the wedding party and then everyone clapped and smiled at me.

I was always a really emotional child, a worrier, fretful, and painfully shy. Being so far away in a new place didn't help things.
I didn't like the rest of our "extended vacation". I hated the iron bars over all the windows of the houses, in our neighborhood. The sandy red dirt, the mountains of fire ant hills, that I was always stepping into. The lizards that darted around on our back porch, and a huge yellow and black spider that had made it's home directly in the middle of my bedroom window outside. it seemed to glow at night I could hardly close my eyes to sleep for starring at it through the glass.

We went through half a dozen babysitters in the 8 months we lived there. A Hispanic, lady who was Catholic, she would always have us pray and would do the sign of the cross before eating. There was a tiny Jamaican woman who could hardly speak to me. But was kind to me when my mom went out of town. She put my hair in tight braids or high ponytails before I would leave for school. There was a 19 year old hispanic girl from our neighborhood who watched us a couple times. We bonded over Rescue 911 being our favorite show. ( Which at 7 I was not allowed to watch but did anyway.) She would say in her thick accent " I always like to watch the shown, then in emergency I know what to do!" She always scared me to death by telling stories of break ins and robberies and near death experiences of all her friends. There was Jody, who was 30 and drove a beat up green Honda. She seemed nice enough until she started helping herself to my Mom's closet when it was nap time for the kids. My favorite was Jeanie, a nice grandma type lady. Who made me think of my own grandma back in Tennessee.

My stepfather drove me to school every morning in his jeep. My school was a big ugly, key lime green colored, stucco building. Something that color you would only see in Florida. My teacher was mean. Mrs. Wall. She had bug eyes, and balls of pit hair, and wore long nylon dresses. My only friends were Nikki, a redhead that lived a street over from us and Christina, who was from Cuba. Christina and I sat together alone at a long lunch table. We both ended up with warm, sour cartoons of chocolate milk. On our first day. We had contests to see who could hold their breath the longest. She would always pinch her nose closed when we started. I never did, I always won.

In school I remember a worksheet being slammed down onto my desk "A D!!" My teacher screamed referring to a test I had taken the day before. I don't remember what else was said. Just that she stood over me yelling, and that she was really tall. I remember on the front was a a picture of a window with a moon shining through and under you were supposed to choose an answer what time of day it was. I sucked back hot tears and my hands worked furiously to erase every wrong answer on the page. The eraser left ugly gray smudges on the paper. I continued to do this and didn't dare look up. Not even when our Spanish teacher came in to take over and do our 30 minute Spanish class. "Emily." She said in a sweet voice, you're not supposed to be working on homework now sweetheart." I immediately broke down and cried so hard my shoulders shook. Mrs.Wall came over and put her hands on my shoulders."She didn't know, yes, it's alright." She said in a sick motherly voice. In a few months I would be leaving.

Less than six months after the I do's, it was over.I remember being told to say goodbye to my Stepfather he was laying in bed, his face was red and his eyes were bloodshot from crying. He said "Remember if you ever need another Dad, I'm here." or something to that effect. Which I could have cared less about. I was thrilled to go home and didn't think anything of him. Those tears were for the loss of my Mom, who looking back I do believe he genuinely loved. Not for the loss of "2 daughters". He would force us to sit at the kitchen table until we ate out nightly dose of squash. He also was found of putting us in the corner as discipline. Once he left my sister standing there so long she peed her pants. In the beginning my mom asked us to call him Dad. which I didn't remember until years later. I missed my own daddy who looked skinny and tired, and sad when we would drive down to see us. He gladly offered Mom whatever she wanted. He was desperate to get us back home. Finally, after reality set in, Mom agreed. He bought our old house back for my mom and sister and I to live in and moved us all back.

We drove back into the mountains, of Tennessee late at night. When I opened my car door to get out the first thing the hit me was the cold, crisp air. I had never smelled anything so wonderful. It was quiet and dark, and the only thing you could hear was a train rushing past us in the distance. This was home. Never had I been so happy to be anywhere in my life.

Birthday Weekend....

2009-06-22T07:52:00.004-04:00

This weekend was so busy!! Friday was my 26th Birthday! Josh's Mom had invited me to go with her to get a massage as a birthday present. So we headed to Kingport early so I could do that. It was my first massage experience so I wasn't really sure what to expect. But it was really calming and nice. They have soft music playing and the table which looked like a little bed was heated! She used all these hot stones and oils. lavender and tea tree oil, and hot towels... It was awesome! I told her I held a lot of stress in my shoulders and when she started massaging them I could hear this weird popping noise. I was thinking what IS that?! LOL. She said it was my lymphatic system releasing toxins that were built up in my muscles. I'm sure there was a lot to work out of there!! Anyway... after all that I didn't want to move! But we had to go back to Josh's mom's they took us all out for lunch. Then we came back home and just spent the day hanging out together. Josh got me two beautiful books. One was short stories of Richard Yates. Who I've gotten really into lately and the other was Wally Lamb's latest book. Then He gave me a beautiful butterfly pendant Isabella had picked out at the Blue Plum Festival for me. It was really so beautiful, and she was so proud and excited to show me. It was really such a great day.

Then Saturday we went back to Josh's Moms to have a cookout with the whole family. My parents were there, and Josh's brother and Judy. She made this really yummy marinated basil, lime chicken and grilled vegetables, and cold chinese noodles. It was soooo good!! She even made cakes for each of us. A cheesecake for Josh, and a Texas sheet cake for me. Which if you don't know is the most awesome chocolate cake on the planet! Any chocoholic lovers dream!!! It was so sweet of her, especially because she had been on call all weekend! She had only gotten home a few hours earlier. Later that night we went to Down Home with Dad to hear a band play.

Then..... Sunday we had Josh's Birthday and we celebrated here at the house with just us! Bella got him Scooby-Doo shirt she couldn't wait for him to open. And he loved it! It was such a fun weekend. I feel so loved! It was also so special to spend it with my Dad, after he had been so sick. It really puts things into prospective.

Random Bella quote from this weekend...
"Mommy, why does Jack not have a shirt on?"

Me- "Because he just doesn't want to wear one right now."

"Jack you look like a REAL man!!"

Playin in a travelin' band..... with Johnny & Cher.

2009-06-18T09:06:00.005-04:00

The past few days have been really rainy. Lots of storms. So... we have been hanging out inside most of the time. Yesterday the kids decided to play in the "band" ( bang stuff on the kitchen table) they got a really nice kit of musical instruments from Judy for Bella's Birthday. symbols, wooden spoons, maracas, a triangle, and a tambourine. Also we added Daddy's old harmonica to the mix, that's Jackson's favorite.
We played for a while then I played DJ and played songs. We had to hear Bella's favorite Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves by Chere!! LOL. I don't know where she heard it, but that is HER song. She won't listen to any other Cher. Just that one. And of course Jack, is our Johnny Cash fan. He likes Ring of Fire so we played that about 20 times. Also Rusty Cage came on with Johnny Cash singing it. And Jackson was like "It's Johnny Cash!" one minute into the song! They are so much fun, I'm so glad the both love music so much!

so many changes...

2009-06-11T00:04:00.003-04:00

I feel so completely overwhelmed by all the changes that are happening all at once it seems. Our move in the next few months, my sister moving, my Dad getting sick.

I'm so excited to move but also at the same time feel sad about losing my support system of family I have here now! Luckily Dad is MUCH better home from the hospital and on new medicine that's helping. Josh is gone for at least a week to do work at his Dad's house and Anna left yesterday. So it's just me and the kiddies. We found out today we were not approved for an apartment we were hoping to get in Tallahassee. But it turns out it was really a blessing in disguise because the school district in that part of town is terrible. Please pray and send out positive thoughts that we will find a safe, comfortable place to live. With a good school for Bella!

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6

Be greatful for each beautiful day!

2009-06-05T21:08:00.004-04:00

I read this on a bulletin board at the hospital and thought it was really beautiful.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” ~ Leo F. Buscaglia

The past few days have been really hectic. For weeks now my Dad has having trouble catching his breath. As soon as he would start to fall asleep he would have to sit straight up and would be literally gasping for air. At first his family doctor thought it could have been an allergic reaction to a new medicine he was taking. So he took him off that but it just continued to get worse. I was really worried and begged him to let me just take him on to the er just to get checked. A few nights ago at 3 in the morning it got so bad he finally went in.

We had known for a while he had an irregular heart beat which they are able to treat with medication. But after running more tests and doing an ultrasound they found that his heart was significantly weaker than it was just two years ago. The also did a heart catheterization to check for anything. His arteries were completely clear, no blockage at ALL! Which of course was wonderful news! But afterwords his doctor explained that he did have weakening of his heart and that his heart was only pumping at a 20-25% function.(normal is 55 to 75%). They aren't sure what causeed the weakening but he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Good news is no surgery. Bad news it's a condition he will live with for the rest of his life. It was a really big shock since he had none of the other classic symptoms of heart failure. His blood pressure wasn't high. He is very healthy, eats really well, hardly drinks, doesn't smoke, and exercises. Luckily, we found out when we did. Though it was the last thing any of us expected to hear, things could have been so much worse!! They are starting him on several new medications and a blood thinner. And once his medications are adjusted and his heart rate is where they want it he will be able to go back home! Hopefully early next week. Over the next six months with the new medicine and exercise he should also be able to build the strength of his heart back up. I'm just so glad he will be okay!!

In a few days My sister will be making the move to Iowa, at the same time Josh will be leaving to go to Nashville for a week to do work for his Dad. And my Mom will be going to Florida to visit her sister and for her class reunion. So it's just me and the kiddos! It will be a looong week! Hopefully Dad will be home by then. Please send out prayers and positive thoughts!

Home finally!

2009-05-29T23:40:00.010-04:00

Driving into Tallahssee

Our trip to Florida was sooo much FUN! Insanely long car ride with 3 kids, but still we had a blast. We drove into Tallahassee around 7:00 that night and it was really beautiful. Much greener than I expected. I guess when I think of Florida I think of a beach town really flat, with lots of sand and palm trees. But it reminded me more of Georgia or Mississippi. There were the most BEAUTIFUL live oak trees everywhere with moss. We got to the motel and Josh went across the street and got Taco Bell for us and Burger King for the kiddies. And they were quite EXCITED number 1 to just be out of the car, but also because they hardly EVER get to eat fast food and if we do I normally just buy a big thing of chicken nuggets and make them split the fries. But Daddy went all out and let them have kids meals! LOL. So they were happy campers. Isabella kept running around the room saying "Oh mama I love our new home...I love the kitchen!!" (Talking about the mini fridge and the sink next to the bathroom! LOL! Then I had to explain this was just our room for 1 night and that we would look for a 'new' house tomorrow. Anyway we all were so exhausted, we had been on the road since about 9 that morning it was good to just FINALLY be there!

We got up early the next morning to check out some apartments. The first was kind of small and not in the best area. But I didn't want to have a bad attitude so I was trying to keep an open mind even though I was pretty bummed because it was kind of dumpy. We only had two others to see. One we were planning to check out was nearly ALL students. And even though I expected a lot of them to have lots of kids living in them anyway being so close to campus I did want something where there were SOME families. The last thing I wanted was to have to listen to people parting all night and shotgunning beers off the balconies. LOL! The guy told Josh it was over 90% students images up Seminole Ridge came to mind. If you are from you are from Johnson City then you know what I'm talking about.
Anyway the next one was definitely better! Josh was iffy on even going by because it was income restricted. You can only make a certain amount annually to live there. It was REALLY nice. And they showed us a really nice 3 bedroom with 2 bathrooms AND washer and dryer hookups! It had a pool and a really big playground outside. We both felt really good about it. The last was our favorite though.
It was much more space then the other two, same thing 3 beds, 2 bath. And washer and dryer hookups. Which I desperately wanted! Because I do a TON of laundry! The one we looked at was occupied. The girl that showed us unlocked the door then immediately shut it back and smiled and said "Guys, I'm so sorry It's REALLY messy!" We told her it was no big deal because really it isn't I mean we have 3 little kids, neither of us our clean freaks. She said a guy lived there with 2 of his roommates. Anyway, man was it trashed!! LOL! Made me think of Josh's friends apartments back when we were first dating. There were beer cans and dirty clothes and plates ALL over the floor! pizza boxes, and empty bags of popcorn,and empty liquor bottles all in the kitchen and my favorite a gigantic bong as tall as Jackson in the middle of the living room. LOL. I was afraid, for the kids to touch anything. As soon as we walked into the kitchen Jackson says. "I'm hungry!" LOL Isabella said "Mommy this place is REALLY messy.. this IS a boys house!" Even with all that mess, it was really a great place and our favorite out of the 3 we checked out.We just sent in the application so hopefully we should hear something back soon!

Mexico Beach at Sunset.

After we were done house hunting we piled back in the van and drove two more hours to Mexico Beach. It was so beautiful! It was really pretty chilly that day and raining so the kids couldn't swim the first day. But we took them down to the beach anyway and they LOVED it! Especially Jack, he wasn't even two last time we went. The next day was better, it was still pretty windy, but it was warm and sunny and we were out playing in the water most of the day. I hated to leave but I know that two months will fly be and before I know it, it will be moving time!!

Here comes the sun...

2009-05-15T23:16:00.006-04:00

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right.-- The Beatles

So much has been going on lately. It's almost too much to take in at once. My sister Anna will be moving with her Josh to Iowa by the end of this month. We are leaving early Monday for Tallahassee we are going to look at apartments Tuesday.... Then we are driving to Mexico Beach. The rates are SUPER CHEAP on this motel I found so... We are going to stay there 3 nights!! I didn't know I was gonna get a vacation out of this trip we were really just planning to go to Tallahassee to look for an apartment. From what I've read there isn't much at Mexico but that's exactly whet we wanted, just a quiet place to enjoy the beach with our family. I'm so excited! I've never even been to Tallahassee actually. I can't wait to see what Jack thinks. He was just 17 months when we went to the beach last time and that was tourist trap crappy Myrtle.

I think the stress of all the change it just wearing me out! I woke up with a migraine yesterday. I haven't had ONE in almost two months which is really good for me. Josh was really sweet about it. I fell back asleep, for two hours and he watched the kiddies. Then I woke up at 1 and still it hadn't let up! So my Mom said she would watch Bella and Jack overnight. Josh drove them over and got me some Advil Migraine which I just started taking a few months ago and so far it really helps!! It was so quiet!! It's just strange to think we will REALLY be on our own,
it's TIME. I can defiantly tell a huge difference in the kids behavior after just spending one night at my Mom's. She pretty much lets them run wild, and they know it's a free for all at Mimi's!! Bella says. "You tell Mimi not to give us candy, and then she gives us even MORE!" Which isn't exactly true but that pretty much sums it up! We are ready to be on our own and have wanted to move for SO long! I think it will really boost my confidence a lot as a Mom to have to do it all myself. If anything my Mom has been way too over involved in the kids lives and it's caused problems. Just because our parenting styles are so COMPLETELY different. And she will also undermined us in front of them which makes Josh livid. But oh well, I know in a few months I'll probably be soooo homesick! But it's time!!! I'm already looking into getting certified as a Doula once we get down there. It's something I wanted for a really long time now. Plus it will put me in touch with other mamas! All good things!!

Awesome Chicken Chili!!

2009-05-12T08:58:00.003-04:00

I was craving some comfort food so I made a BIG batch of chicken chili! It's Josh Mom's base recipe... I tweaked it and added lots of veggies and it turned out DELICIOUS!! It's a nice change from regular chili and white based chicken chili.
Chicken Chili.
What you need....
4 boneless, skinless chicken breast
1 large onion chopped
1 green/red bell pepper chopped
2 cans of diced tomatoes
1 small can of green chilies (I left these out to keep it on the mild side for my little guys)
1 can black beans drained
1 can kidney beans drained
1 can golden corn drained
1 small can sliced olives drained.
1 12 oz. can or bottle of your favorite beer.(you could replace the beer with chicken or veggie broth but I think it makes the dish and gives it a really distinct flavor.)
cumin/ or one packet of taco seasoning.
chili powder
garlic powder or salt.
salt & pepper to taste.
tortilla chips and grated cheese to top it off!

Season chicken in cumin, garlic salt, and pepper to taste, saute in oil olive until cooked through. Set aside to cool.
Saute bell pepper and onion in oil olive over med. heat until onions are clear.
Shred chicken breast.
In a large pot combine, shredded chicken, onion, bell pepper, tomatoes, beans, corn,olives, beer, 2 tsp. cumin, 2 tsp. chili powder. Salt & pepper to taste.
Bring to a boil then cover and simmer for an hour.
This is also a great slow-cooker recipe. Just dump everything in the crockpot and let it cook on LOW 8 hrs.
Serve with crushed tortilla chips and grated cheddar. YUM!!

It makes a HUGE pot, this would easily feed 10.

Graduation Day!!

2009-05-11T17:07:00.008-04:00

Well Saturday was Josh's BIG day! Everyone came into town for his graduation. We had lunch with his Mom and mine, and his brother and best friend Derek. Check out the cute cake!

Later on we went out to dinner with Josh's Dad and my Dad and Josh's brother and Derek. It was really great to see everyone and I'm SO proud of him! He's worked so hard! We are making plans to drive down to Tallahassee early next week to try to find an apartment. I think it will really hit me and feel real once we find a place to live. We are going to take the kids and then are going to drive to Mexico Beach and stay for a couple days to make a little mini-vacation out of it. It's gonna be so much fun!! Jack hasn't seen the ocean since he was 17 months and Noah never has! Not that he will remember but I still can't wait!

Also I'm not the only one moving. We found out just yesterday Josh, (My sister's fiance) was offered and really great job in Iowa! Of all places!!They will be moving out there by the end of this month!! Lots of changes going on! I will miss Anna SO much but I know it's a really amazing opportunity for them.

What do you think?

2009-05-05T21:19:00.006-04:00

I have always believed in the super-natural or paranormal. Spirits, ghosts whatever you want to call them. I have always enjoyed scaring myself with places being haunted. Also, I just find it fascinating. Though up until a few years ago I never experienced anything like that personally. Besides the time myself, younger sister and our next door neighbor held a séance in the garage and tried to contact someone who had just died. A few minutes into it the Christmas tree box which was clear across the room at least 20 feet away fell over from where it had been propped in the corner. We all panicked and ran screaming upstairs and my sister was so scared she peed herself, literally. But, to be fair I was only 12 at the time and had no idea what I was doing or how serious it really is. I wasn't raised in a religious home by any means and it just wasn't something that was ever talked about. I don't think it's something you should tamper with or take lightly. That same summer our very religious 70 year old baby sitter found our Ouiji Board in the closet and convinced my Mom to throw it is the trash. I really don't think kids should play with them at all. They aren't a toy. Although I think you can fake it and just get the answers you want. I believe they can potentially bring in evil spirits. I now would consider it a form of divination.

Nearly 10 years ago my Grandpa passed away. He was a really amazing person, very kind and gentle a true gentleman, and also was like my hero. My sister and I would spend whole weekends at my Grandparents house and saw them at least once every week until he was sick. He was diagnosed with throat cancer and passed away after a brave fight at the age of 79. Just days before my 15th Birthday. It was the first time I ever experienced the loss of someone close to me.

Throughout the years after his death when things would get really bad or I would be going through a difficult time or struggling with something I would talk to him, pray to him, whatever you want to call it. He was always a man of few words but was always so stoic and incredibly supportive and comforting to me when he was alive. It just seemed like the thing to do. I started noticing after doing this, he would give me little signs, that he was with me. Things of his would show up randomly, I would find little things in odd places, things that had belonged to him that I had forgotten about. Or, things he had given me would end up in odd places, right in front of my face. One time after Josh and I had been in a big fight and he ended up on the couch for the night, he woke me up early, talking about a dream he had the night before. "Your Grandpa was in it, it's like he was right here." He said. "He laughed and said when you get mad you act just like your Grandma." Josh was even able to describe his voice, which really brought me to tears. Because Josh had never met him, and also my Grandpa had a laryngectomy, which is a surgery that removes your voice box. He had it done about a year before he passed away and the only way for him to talk was to whisper or use a electrolarynx, which was a little A battery-operated device that makes a humming sound. I guess, I consider it a gift, Josh had that experience and did if only for a moment get to meet someone who was so important in my life, especially as a little girl.

I do believe in angels, people who come into our lives to guide and protect us. And I absolutely believe people we love who have passed on are still with us and can communicate with us at times.

Onto the point of all this.... I was going through some pictures of our wedding a couple months ago, just looking through for fun when I noticed one where a HUGE transparent orb of light is right above me. I showed it to Josh and he didn't think much of it. Then about a month later my Mom gave me a few pictures from the wedding I'd never seen that her husband had taken. Same EXACT shot with a cheap disposable camera and the same huge bubble like orb right over my head. I was really amazed. I also noticed another orb completing surrounding my sister in two of the wedding pictures our photographer took. I've looked at those pictures dozens of times, I was shocked I had never seen them before.

A month ago, things were not looking so good, I said "Are you still with me.. I'm sure you know what's going on. I love you, I need to know your still around." This is what I saw the next day. Look at the chair.

This was taken the same day. Look surrounding Jack at the right. The beautiful golden light and transparency is the exact same look and color of the orbs in my wedding pictures. I was also playing around with the shutter speed on my camera that day so these were taken at a really high speed.

I know it's debatable. It could just be dust, or light, or anything. There is noway to know for sure. But, I'd like to think it's him.

Ponies and Italian food.. what more could a girl want?!

2009-05-03T00:41:00.007-04:00

MORE exciting NEWS!! Not really, I didn't realize what a boring life I led until I tried to blog about it. But here's a quick update... we went to the Exchange Place in Kingsport LAST weekended. Josh's Mom invited us. They only have it a few times a year. It's basically like a festival/craft type deal. A few old cabins with old relics.... tons of vendors selling apple butter and all kinds of yummy food and jewelry. Some local beaders were there. I scored a lovely pair of black and green earrings compliments of Joshy's Mom. best off all the kiddies got to ride horses!! Well, except Noah bug, he was sleeping through most of it in the baby-hawk. It was a first for both Bella and Jack. We were a little worried about Bella being scared once she got on.. ( She's our drama queen and cautious child) they both did fine! I got lots of cheesy pictures. Afterwords we all had dinner at Josh's favorite Italian restaurant and Jackson poured a cup of milk in his lap. All and all a fantastic time!

Earth Day and giving back...

2009-04-25T09:08:00.004-04:00

We celebrated Earth Day on Wednesday by doing crafts. we made coffee filter Earths using filters, magic markers and a squirt of water. They turned out really cool. . We talked about things we can do to keep our planet beautiful. And about reusing and recycling. Then we talked about how fortunate we were to live in a place where they have a warm, safe home, water and food.I tried my best to explain to them that so many children in other parts of the world don't have those basic things, and how fortunate and blessed we are to have them. They both really got it.. even Jack. Bella asked" Couldn't we send them some water so they won't be thirsty anymore?"

I decided to let them choose one charity they both wanted to donate to. And we talked more about how important it is to help others. I was going down a long list I found and stumbled onto charitywater.org I explained what they did to help people get clean water that they didn't have and they immediately said they would like to do that one. So we set aside a jar and once we reach our first goal of $50.00 I'll send it in. They both took $5 from their piggy banks and put it in the jar. They were really excited to be able to help out. It makes me so proud!
Also when going over charities we went onto locks of love I explained what it was and Isabella saw pictures of kids on there and kids around her ago who had donated hair to make wigs and she said she would really like to do that too. I told her she would have to grow her hair for a really LONG time. I didn't think much of it but then again today she said out of the blue. "Daddy we aren't going to cut my hair anymore I'm doing locks of love." So I guess she's REALLY serious about it! We will have to wait and see.

30 Things about me...

2009-04-24T22:50:00.005-04:00

Since I'm bored and have nothing particularly interesting to write about.....

1. My middle name is Rebecca. It makes me laugh every time it just doesn't fit.

2. I love all shades of purple, it's my all time favorite color.

3. I like mobster movies, Casino being my favorite also a big fan of the Godfather.

4. I want a dog... but won't be getting one for a while since we will be renting once we move.

5. If I had one I'd name her Daisy, or Cosmo if it was a boy. :)

6. The best thing I make is fettuccine alfredo with spinach or broccoli YUM!!!

7.I wear earrings and eyeliner everyday unless I'm sick and can't get out of bed.

8. I love bumper stickers, I only have one on my car at the moment. I was sad to lose all my old ones when we sold our last car.

9. I love taking pictures.

10. I hate when people walk around the store or sit in a restaurant yapping away on cellphones.

11. I love little surprises like finding money in my coat pocket.

12. I really want to go to India.

13. I also would like to volunteer for the red cross.

14. I could spend hours in a good bookstore it's one of my favorite ways to spend a day.

15. I'm so excited to soon begin certification as a doula.

16. I want to help other women have the best birth experiences possible, at any cost.

17. Palm trees make me happy, they always make me think of going on vacation when I was a little kid.

18. At the moment I can't get enough of the black keys I listen to them constantly.

19. If I'm at home 90% of the time music is playing.

20. My daughter has one of the best personalities of anyone I've ever met... way beyond her age.She cracks me up daily but man is she FEISTY!

21. I have four tattoos. I want just ONE more!

22. I love road trips and just driving around random places.

23. I LOVE big sunglasses.

24. I love to color and do crafts with my kiddies.

25. I love checking out everyone's eye color.

26. I'm addicted to expensive fabric softener.

27. When I get nervous I tend to babble and go off in a crazy direction that makes absolutely no sense.

28. I love going to festivals and seeing my favorite bands play!

29. I love everyones quirks and imperfections I find endearing... too bad I can't see myself like this.

30. my "baby" is six years old!

THE END.

Being Crafty.

2009-04-21T22:00:00.008-04:00

Out of all the toys my kids have there most favorite things are balloons!! They always end up getting one of those giant foil ones that takes up half the room at their Birthday. I always forget about them until 2 in the morning when I get up to pee and they scare me to death, floating around in a dark room. I can't tell you how many times I thought someone was in my house only to realize it was just a balloon.

We did crafts today, Bella got a HUGE box of arts and crafts supplies as a Birthday present from Grandma and Judy. Today we started out by making hand print butterflies... tomorrow we are going to work on something with either dinosaurs or fire trucks for Jack. Since those are his favorite things!

Also... Bella was doing free Makeovers today. Jack rocks pink eyeshadow David Bowie style. :P

They call me jaws.

2009-04-18T23:09:00.005-04:00

It finally happened, ever since Noah's first tooth showed up it was always a thought in the back of my mind. three days ago, he was getting sleepy so I took him in our room to nurse him for a few minutes before his nap. This is the only way he will ever fall asleep, unless we are in the car. So I'm laying there half asleep myself I smiled down at him and then he smiles and tries to roll over on his belly. For some reason he really wants to try to nurse on his stomach. He tries to do this whenever he's on his side on the bed. As he does he tries to take my boob with him and he bites down.. hard. Oh man it HURT soooo bad!! In the pit of my stomach it hurt.I immediately screamed and pulled my nipple out of his mouth I was almost afraid to look, but it really didn't look all that bad, just a little red spot, but it did break the skin. I said firmly "Noah, you don't bite Mama that hurts!"
His whole face crumpled up and he dissolved into sobs and looked at me like I was the cruelest person in the wold. I hope that will be the first and last time I have to experience biting.

So the past couple days have been good. I sat down and made reward charts and chore charts for Isabella and Jackson. And I made a house rules chart. Josh laughed when he came in and saw all of it taped to the fringe door. He said "Oh Emily, that's cute see, you are domestic!" I had fun making them I used Isabella's magic markers and construction paper and stencils.

The kids were all excited when they saw them the next morning. I sat them down to go over the rules. Most of which they already knew but this was actually the first time I had written them down. They were more excited about getting a sticker for each day they didn't have a time-out and did all the things are their chore chart.

It was really warm and beautiful today so we spent a good part of it outside in the backyard playing. Then we took the kids over to my Mom's she offered to watch them so Josh and I cold go get something to eat. It was good just to get out! We went to our favorite Mexican place, then to Marble Slab, yum! Then we went back to pick up Noah, Bella and Jack were staying the night. They were getting ready to pick out their bedtime stories when we left. Mom said Noah hadn't slept the whole time we were gone so I was sure he would pass out as soon as we got home. It was already 8:30 and he normally he falls asleep around 8. Well, he fell asleep in the car but as soon as I went to take him out of the car seat he woke up. I tried to put him back down but within two minutes he was sitting up in bed screaming. SO... then I tried to nurse he was really fussy and wiggly and just generally had no interest so I just paced around the house, talking to him and jiggling him and rocking him until he FINALLY wore himself out and fell asleep About 10:45. I know he's teething his two bottom teeth are already in and I can feel one just about to break though on the upper left side so I'm sure that was a big part of it too. We were out of infants Motrin and I couldn't find the teething tablets. Plus we JUST transitioned him to his own room. Well, not really his own he shares with Jackson. He started off in the pack and play right next to our bed. He was up every couple hours nursing for MONTHS and it was just easier to have him with us. Most of the time he would end up splayed out in the middle of our bed sandwiched between Josh and I. He's done pretty well with it so far, he still usually wakes up about once a night to nurse but within 20 minutes nurses and then falls right back asleep. But, Isabella has been making up for Noah sleeping better. She was up at least three times last night. She's convinced the wicked witch of the west is under her bed! Whenever I get more than 5 hours of sleep straight I'm gonna throw a party!

I'm amazed...

2009-04-14T11:37:00.004-04:00

It's amazing how things just fall into place sometimes... we were so sure that our only option for our move would be Atlanta. It was the only school that Josh applied to that had offered to wave full-tuition. We had both wanted Tallahassee. Florida State had always been Josh's first choice, but over a month ago they told him there just wasn't enough money to fund him at all.

We were both so disappointed but trying to make the best of it. I had been asking God to just put us where we needed to be, to guide us in the right direction. To help me to accept the transition to Atlanta. Fast forward to yesterday, Josh gets an email saying they still had a few openings left in funding and that he was at the top of there list. We were supposed to hear something in the next two or three days. But neither of us wanted to get our hopes up, we really didn't talk about it too much. Then at 6:30 this morning Josh bolts into the bedroom shouting "Emily, come here, come look at this!" I thought what now... I thought maybe Noah had done something cute while eating his breakfast that Josh wanted me to see. I was really half-asleep. Then I panicked and thought something was wrong. What if Noah was choking? so I bolted out of bed and ran in the kitchen to find Noah is his high chair happily munching away on his puffs then Josh pointed to the computer and told me to read. I nearly fell out of my chair. They had enough openings, he was offered a FULL-RIDE to FSU!! All tuition payed, a job on campus and funding!!!! It's a four year Doctoral program, and was the second best school he applied to. I was just in shock, I immediately burst into tears and cried like a baby. I couldn't even speak. It's just all seems so surreal. Josh just kept saying "I just can't believe it, it feels like a dream." It does, it really does. When we first got together we would always talk about how one day when we finally get out of here, one day when we move to "the beach", how great things would be.

That was nearly 8 years ago, since then we have gotten married, had 3 babies, moved apartments half a dozen times, Josh has worked as a waiter, telemarketer, in construction, and as a cook.He climbed has way back over 4 years ago and worked his ass off. He would be in class nearly all day, then would work until sometimes 11 or 12 at night. Sometimes we would barely even see each other. Now the day has come, it's finally all paid off. In just a few weeks he will graduate. Josh is in the Doctoral program at the school he's wanted to go to since he was a little kid. Pay off is so sweet. We finally made it. We're going to the beach! Well not exactly.. but an hour away and palm trees. I'll take it! :)

Pregnant in America.

2009-04-10T21:42:00.003-04:00

I'm a huge fan of the Business of Being Born. I waited months for it to finally come out on Netflix and finally had the chance to watch it when I was 5 months pregnant with Noah. It really moved me. I truly believe the best and safest place to give birth in a normal low-risk pregnancy is with a Midwife, either at home or in a free-standing birth center.

I wanted desperately to have a Home birth but the only Midwife in our area didn't accept our insurance and paying out of pocket just wasn't possible. Then, at 30 weeks I almost switched over to the nearest birth center in Knoxville, but being over two hours away and being my third baby. I was worried things would move too fast and the last thing I wanted was to be stuck in rush hour traffic in labor. Or worse delivering on the side of the road! Guess it was a good call, labor was only a little over two hours long from the first contraction until he was born. We were only at the hospital 22 minutes before I had Noah. My Doulas who were coming from Asheville got there about 10 minutes after he was born.

The C-section rate is ridiculously high. I personally know far too many women how have them because their Doctor tells them this is what is best, that their baby is too big, that their pelvis is too small. That they have failed to progress. That it will just be easier that way. Most babies genetically are the perfect size to fit through the mother's pelvis. Rupturing the membranes, administering Pitocin and constant fetal monitoring are all standard in today's hospitals people don't even react to it anymore. Women are taught that labor are birth are something to be feared. Even in standard hospital birthing classes, at least the ones in my area. Very little time, was spent on relaxation techniques, such as Lamaze, the Bradly Method or Hypnobirthing. It's all about the hospital procedure, and what would qualify you to get a C-section. They passed around an epidural catheter and scalp electrode so everyone could see what they looked like.

I have had three very different births all in a hospital, two were natural, one a standard hospital delivery, with an Epi, Pitocin, Stadol, rupture of membranes, fetal electrode monitoring... the works!
When I asked in my last labor to walk around when we got to the hospital the nurse looked at my husband like we were insane. Luckily the labor was lighting fast and I didn't even need to. But I never realized the first time going into a hospital most times you will have to fight for a natural delivery. I would love to see a birth center in our area one day. Better yet a Doula available to any laboring or postpartum Mom who needs/wants one free of charge if you can't afford it. I know there are many amazing Doulas out there who work on a sliding scale and even provide services for free. Unfortunately not where I'm from.

I used to dream of working as a labor and delivery nurse. The more I learned about OB practices and hospital practices, the more I realized it would be the worst place to be if I wanted to see natural birth. Hospitals just aren't a good place for low-intervention natural birth. I would love to one day be able to participate in the birthing process, as a Doula, or maybe as a Midwife's assistant through a birth center or home birth. I have yet to see this movie yet but it looks amazing. I can't wait to watch it.

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A little bit about me.

2009-04-10T20:33:00.003-04:00

So.. I'm new to the blogging world. I'm married to my best friend Josh and Mom to three kids! Our oldest Isabella is 6, Jackson is 3 and our baby Noah is almost 9 months! I have always been a writer and I thought being able to blog about things would be very therapeutic...and at times would maybe save my sanity! I'm so grateful to have the opportunity to stay home with my kids. I know how fast this time flies. I can't believe my baby girl is already 6. But, at times being in the house all day with a 6 year old, a toddler and a 9 month old I sometimes want to run from the house screaming. I'm also obsessed with anything and all things pertaining to pregnancy and natural birth. I was able to have a natural birth with two of my kids. I think Midwifes, Doulas, and Home births are absolutely amazing. I'm hoping to become a certified Doula in the next few months.

We have a lot going on right now! My husband is weeks away from finally graduating, he's getting a bachelors in Political Science and in Late July we will be relocating to Atlanta! He was just accepted to a 4 yr. Doctoral program. So we are all really excited about that! I'm so proud of him he has worked so hard to get where he is today. It will be a great thing for all of us.