Our sweet "Andma"

My Grandmother passed away a few weeks ago. It was expected. The past couple of years had been really difficult for her as her diabetes and dementia worsened, she was carted in and out of the hospital with infections. Finally, it was decided to let her rest peacefully in her room at the nursing home and hospice was called in to make her more comfortable. The past few months she was really sick and slept most of the time. On a good day she would recognize my face and my dad's face. On a bad day she would ask annoyed, Who my dad was and why was he in her room. I had my last good visit with her about a week before she passed. At that point she was on morphine and asleep most of the time. Her eyes flickered opened and she looked at me. I asked if she knew who I was and she said "Of course I do honey, stand up here and let me see what you have on. " She was the fashion queen of her time, she loved beautiful things, and she loved clothes and shoes. So the first thing out of her mouth whenever she saw me was "What do you have on?" She was an elementary school teacher, a Sunday school teacher and a stickler for proper grammar. She hated to cook, loved to clean and had a house once decorated finely enough to be a spread in an Ethan Allen catalog. She was deeply religious, with a wicked, bathroom since of humor. She loved to shock people with her dirty jokes. She passed away peacefully at dusk, she was 88.

I had been with her just hours before and I knew it wouldn't be long. Dozens of nurses and nurses aids who had cared for her so lovingly came in to say goodbye. They talked to her and kissed her cheek as they cried. It's amazing how many people she touched in the 7 years she lived at the nursing home. She would always say to them "If you can't come in here with a smile on your face, you might as well turn back around and go out of here. "

At the funeral her four remaining brothers and sisters lined the casket to receive friends. She was the second born of the five. She went out in style, of course, she would have had it no other way. She had hand picked the music to be played. She was in her beautiful blue suit with her pearls. I will treasure all the great stories she told me. Stories about growing up on a farm in Carter County and sharing a room with her sister Chris. Stories about falling in love with my Grandpa at 15. About living in El Paso during war time and about the night my dad was born. She could always tell a great tale. I Spent nearly every weekend at her house from the time I was a toddler until I was 15. Nothing was off limits there. I would spend hours baking cookies and drinking cokes from little glass bottles late into the night. She would give me books to pour through from her collection. She gave me a copy of Ann Frank. My sister and I would play dress up with her best shoes and her dresser drawer full of costume jewelry. She would chase us around the back yard all afternoon and would let us help water her flowers. After her death,
I was given a beautiful portrait of her from the 40's when she was only 22. In it her blue eyes look amused, like just the two of you are sharing one of her jokes. Her mouth turned up in a slight, crooked smile. I was also given her bible, which I treasure. In the back she had hand written all her favorite passages. She was truly one of a kind and I will miss her deeply.

Inspired... here are a few of my favorite things!

*Blueberry pancakes on Saturday mornings. (This has turned into our little family tradition.)
*Nag Champa incense.
*Dove chocolate.
*The way my kids look when they first wake up.
*Flip flops. (No matter how many expensive pairs of sandals I buy flip flops are always my fav.)
*Queso from El Torito
*French vanilla coffee creamer
*Dangly earring
*Flannel sheets.
.*The way it smells right after it rains.
*Stained glass
*Hand written letters
*Cherry coke with REAL cherries in it.
* Finding the perfect Christmas tree.
*Homemade soup
*People who sing off key but belt it out anyway :)
*Midwives
*Houseplants
*Butterflies
*Wind-chimes
*Ridgewood Barbecue
*B&W Pictures
*Anything purple!
*Dan Auerbach's voice.
*My belly cast.
*Doulas
*My wedding rings (The were my grandmas)
*Coloring. :)
*My shelf of favorite books.
*Stargazer Lilies
*Hearing the perfect song on the radio at the beginning of the day.

Fender's Farm

Took a little trip to Fender's Farm. We actually made it through the whole corn maze this time!
I ♥ Fall!!!

Into the Storm.

It took me a long time to come to terms with Logan's birth. Having my first child be a preemie and spending months in the NICU it was something I never wanted to experience again. With each pregnancy my passion for birth, especially anything related to natural childbirth grew.
With Noah, it was such a positive experience, very fast, very easy. No complications. My end goal was always, a healthy baby. A term baby. Once I hit 37 weeks I would breathe a huge sigh of relief.

After Logan was born his color was terrible so they immediately had to take him over to the warmer and tried stimulating him. I was so exhausted and relieved to have him out I really wasn't concerned about it. We have it on video, he was crying but deep grunting noisy cries. At one point a nurse handed him back to me for only a minute, but then just as quickly took him away again. "That's not a pretty color." She said. My heart sank as I watched her thump his back and rub his little feet. Fear crept in my mind as I realized maybe it was more serious then just taking a few minutes to adjust. Maybe his lungs were premature, and maybe just maybe they would end up having to transfer him to another larger hospital with an NICU.
A nurse practitioner told us they were going to give him some oxygen but that if he kept grunting and didn't show signs of improvement they would call over the on call NICU doctor and they would decide would decide what steps needed to be taken.

I still was holding out that he would perk up and be fine and then would bring him back to me. I told Josh to call his mom and tell her not to bring Bella, just in case Logan still wasn't doing well. Mom and David brought me food and my mom hung my diaper wreath on the door. I felt weak and dizzy. An hour later the NICU team showed up. A doctor came in and sat across from us. "Your son shows signs of lung prematurity." "He will need oxygen and may need to be intubated, and we will give him medication to make him more comfortable."
They went through the endless list of questions, did I drink, any drug use, did I smoke?
"Sometimes, you do everything right and this just happens." The doctor said, other times you have people that smoke, and do everything wrong and have a healthy baby." The next hours were like a blur. The nurse said the doctor who had delivered me would be calling me. He could not have been kinder, he told me he was comfortable with me being discharged and going home that night if I felt up to it. Of course, I couldn't wait to get out of there and over to the hospital where they would be taking Logan. So that was it. A nurse helped me up to the bathroom I put on clean pajamas, signed a stack of paper work, filled out my sons birth certificate and prepared to leave about 3 hours after he was born. I asked to see him before we left, they were just getting ready to transfer Logan by ambulance. A nurse led me into a back room. where my sweet boy was in a incubator that had put in a breathing tube and started an IV. two nurses stood in front of him. The most heart-wrenching thing I've ever seen is a baby crying on a ventilator. You can see the tears, and see them crying. But there is no sound. Just the beep of machines, my poor son was in pain and I couldn't help him. I had made it a point not to cry until then, but at that moment, I just lost it. The doctor said, "Let Mama touch the baby." The nurses moved aside and I held his tiny hand and stroked his head. He was so beautiful. As we walked out into the cool spring night I felt enraged. Why had this happened, why to me? Why?! Not again, my heart was crushed. We drove straight to the hospital and went straight to the third floor, NICU. We picked up the phone to be buzzed in. The smell of the soap made my stomach turn. We had spent three months here when Bella was born, I never thought I would be here again. After hours of sitting with Logan we finally went home to try to sleep for a couple hours.
I climbed into bed and stared at my baby's empty bed and sobbed. "It's going to be alright, it's not fair, but it will be OK, he will be fine." Josh tried to reassure me. Still, there is nothing like the emptiness of leaving the hospital without your baby. Even if it's just for a day. I thought of my own mother, how she had left the hospital years ago only to pick out a tiny gown for her precious girl to be buried in. How had she had the strength to go on, and even try many times again to have a child of her own?

In the morning another doctor called, the diagnosis, possible pneumonia.
I spent the next two days at the NICU and Logan continued to get worse. I sat outside the hospital with Noah in my lap, we had brought him to meet his baby brother. "Baby sick." he said. His worried brown eyes looking down at Logan who was sedated and covered with tubes. He was on a high frequency ventilator then. It shook his whole body. One of the doctors stopped to talk to me, he sat down next to me. "He's very sick isn't he?" I said, "Yes, it worries me when they get like this." I felt numb." "Will he be OK, I mean will he survive this?" I don't know how I was able to even ask him. "He has to." The doctor simply told me. "You must pray." By the end of the afternoon a nurse called us at shift change, the doses of nitric hadn't worked. Logan was still very critical. There was a possibility they would have to put him on ECMO. A machine that provides, heart and lung support. It was the last thing they could do. They didn't have one at our hospital so Logan would be transferred by air to Wake Forest, in Winston Salem. We signed more papers, and I watched as the prepared to take my son. Everyone spoke in whispers, even the tiniest bit of noise, was too much stimulation for such a sick baby. We couldn't even touch him. We drove to my mom's house that day before leaving. The kids had been there for the past two days, and today was Mother's Day. The held up handmade cards they had worked on all day. I kept my sunglasses on and cried so hard I couldn't see straight. "Mommy has to go be with baby brother, he's very sick." They didn't understand, Bella knew her brother was going to another hospital in a helicopter.

If was after two in the morning when we finally made it to the Wake Forest NICU. Josh's boss, who was living in Winston at the time was waiting for us. He offered his condolences and asked if he could do anything to help. Two young women introduced themselves as the on call Doctors. They were in sweats and looked too young to be doctors. They gave us an official diagnosis of Presistent Pulmonary Hypertension, and said Logan had been admitted with respiratory failure.
"He is very critical, but he's not the sickest baby here." "We will only use ECMO as a last resort, and we may not even need to. We just want to be prepared." I hadn't slept in nearly three days, I cried again and a nurse hugged me. "Go try to get some, rest. There is nothing you can do for him now." "We will call you if anything changes." I wanted to hold my baby, to touch his tiny face and hands, to let him feel me. He was sedated and on a Fentanyl drip. Even my hands on him were too much stimulation. Over the next 9 days Logan got better. I cried, and pumped and prayed, and cried some more. I will say one thing for Wake Forest, never have I encountered so many caring souls, the doctors, nurses, social workers for the hospital, even the lactation consultant. Everyone was so kind and accommodating. So quick with hugs and kind words which mean so much in times when there really isn't anything to do but wait.
Logan was getting better, on the 9th day in Winston they began weaning him from his pain medicine, Josh called me ecstatic form the hospital, he had gone in alone that morning while I had stayed with the boys, who had joined us later in the week. "They are taking him off the ventilator, they say he's a rock star, and if he keeps improving they should be able to transfer him home sometime tomorrow!"Later a 30 second video came through the phone. I watched as my son opened his eyes for the first time, and I got a glimpse of his face without the tape to hold the breathing tube in-place. "Logan." Josh cooed in the background. "Hi buddy, your doing really good." Your nose looks just like your brother's, Jack." I cried tears of pure joy and was never so happy in my life. I knew we still had a long road ahead of us but my son was a fighter, he would survive. The very next day he was able to come back to our hospital in Tennessee. He arrived home completely weaned off oxygen. Which I guess he decided he had had enough of on the ambulance ride back. Eating was tricky, he was tired and still recovering from being so sick To everyone surprise and my delight he was able to nurse much more efficiently then taking a bottle of pumped milk. Nearly three weeks after his birth, our sweet baby boy was finally able to come home. I will never forget all the wonderfully, kind family, friends and hospital staff that helped us make it through such an unimaginable time. There really are angels among us. I know that to be true.

My favorite people.

The Birth Story of Logan Henry. May 7th 2010

Logan's birth was my most difficult physically. I suppose it was natures way of preparing me for what was to come in the weeks ahead. I went into labor at 37 weeks. On Friday morning the 7th of May. We were fortunate enough to have been blessed with amazing nurses who were so supportive and excited for us to have a natural birth.(This is rare in our local hospitals) Things had gone so quickly with Noah I hurried to the hospital as soon as my contractions were steady with Logan. We made the decision to strip my membranes and we did a lot of walking and some slow dancing to Ben Harper. Still things were slow. I expected a short easy birth, but it just goes to show you each birth is different. By early evening I was stuck at 7 and contractions had all but completely stopped. The doctor had stopped asking to break me water because we had told him from the beginning we wanted as little intervention as possible.
At around 7 that night we decided to go ahead and allow him to to it. I then practically flooded our room! I have always had a ton of amniotic fluid, and my water has never once broken on its own. I set on a stack of towels that I kept soaking through. Things were moving again. I immediately had strong contractions just a minute or two apart and an hour later I felt the urge to push. The doctor brought several nurses in who were scattered around the room silently watching. Josh later remarked how it had annoyed him and he saw no point in having that many people in the room. (At that point, things were going smoothly and they was so reason to anticipate any problems during the birth or with Logan.) I pushed a few times and I heard a nurse say it looked like the baby had a lot of hair. The doctor then asked if I wanted him to do a pundendal block. I said "No, that's OK." like he was asking me if I wanted more coffee or something. I had told him repeatedly I didn't want one earlier and that I would rather tear than be cut. Also, I knew if he didn't do the block he wouldn't give me an episiotomy. And it worked! No tear, no epsiotomy. I pushed again and tried holding my legs back but it didn't feel right. I instinctively put my hands down to support Logan's head as it started to crown. Then the doctor asked me if I wanted to catch him. Of course I said yes! With a few more pushes my beautiful Logan Henry was born, 7 lbs 10 ozs, 20 1/2 inches long.I pulled him up onto my stomach and was just in aw of how gorgeous he was. Later, it was even more precious and sacred to me that I was given to opportunity to catch him and be the first to touch him. Because it would be days before I could hold him again. Logan is such a little fighter, he has a warrior spirit. We are so thankful and blessed each day that he not only survived but is thriving.

Finally back on here again!

I'm going to make it a point to try to get on here at least a couple times a month. Just to do little updates. It's so much fun to look back and read all the blogs from last year. So much has changed! In the last month we have... moved again, back to east Tennessee. We are right across the street from Bella's school and two huge playgrounds, the kids have plenty of room to ride bikes and play.Also, the 4th addition to our family will be here sooner than later, baby boy #3 will be making his appearance this May. We are SO excited! At first Bella, was a little disappointed she really wanted a little sister but now she can't wait to meet her new baby brother, it just makes sense for her to be the only girl and the leader of all these little guys. I'm so thankful to be back in Tennessee and near family. I can't wait to see what the new year brings.

Trick or Treat and a trip to Tennessee...

We were able to take a trip to Tennessee a few weeks ago. We stayed with my mom, the leaves were at their peak and were absolutely beautiful! I drove up to NC with my dad one afternoon and it was so pretty, the air smelled so good. The whole thing made me so home sick! I cried as soon as we left to go back to Florida. But, I know in my heart as long as we are together as a family we will be okay. Also we had the big trick or treat 2009. It was a success! Noah was Elmo, Jack Tigger, Bella was Belle, Bella's friend was a fairy! They kids had a blast and got lots of candy!

So...

I'm a negative Nancy, I know. I miss the mountains. I miss our back yard. The kids have been sick for a month it feels like. Noah's eardrum ruptured from his very first ear infection it was awful. I just rocked him for hours and he cried and cried. Now Bella was home for a week with the flu...
I hate Tallahassee. There, I said it! I feel so much better now. Josh is still applying for different jobs all over the place. Mainly in the South, North and South Carolina, Georgia, Virgina, a couple in Florida, some up north. Please pray and send out positive thoughts he will find something soon and we will get out of here.

Moving on.

So... it looks like we may not be in Tallahassee that long after all. After lots of talking Josh decided the 4 yr. Grad program he was beginning wasn't for him. He told me his heart just wasn't in it, he wasn't passionate about it. He was ready to try something new, to get out and try to make a difference. From the beginning it didn't feel right to me either. It was just such a relief for him to finally talk about it! After we both decided for sure he was going to leave the program he called and talked to both his parents. And they both completely understood, and are behind him. So off on another adventure we go! We will stay put for now. He's applying for jobs in the Fl panhandle and mainly in the south.Georgia, North Carolina, South Carolina... we will certainly not be going back to East TN anytime soon. But anything else is a possibility. So we will see what happens.

The past few weeks have been so busy! We've had family come to visit for the past two weeks. And we all had colds that wouldn't quit. Noah got sick for the first time ever! And it took him nearly a week to get over it. But he's doing so much better today! His first ear infection, with a fever and cutting 3 teeth makes for a loooong week.

Birth Matters

Your birth matters! This video is amazing! It brought me to tears. It was also awesome that many of the couples who chose to home birth were doctors. Spread the word. Women need to know the facts, know the statistics,be aware. Then make a decision that is right for you and your family.

School Days

Here was her first homework assignment. Her about ME poster. We cut out pictures of all her favorite things and glued them on. Hello Kitty, ice cream, doggies, Nail polish, and Mimi. Ha!

Nearly three weeks ago Isabella started school! She did much better than I thought she would. She was supposed to start last year but because the school district was so bad where we used to live we decided to wait and held her back a year. We thought emotionally, socially, she wasn't ready either. Some of her her fine motor skills were lagging and I really wanted the extra time to work with her.

Josh didn't have his first class until late in the afternoon so we were all able to go and take her together. I felt fine until we got right outside her classroom and then it hit me. My eyes welled up with tears which I sucked back because the last thing I wanted was for her to see ME cry. I was scared that she would lose it. She did great though! We found her little cubbie and I helped her put her stuff up then we found her desk and she sat right down and started coloring a worksheet.

Then after lots of hugs and kisses I went out in the hallway with the boys while Josh said his goodbyes. I started tearing up more then Jack started wailing and tears were streaming down his face. "Isabella, I want my sister, I want Isabella!!" I picked him up and cried with him and said "I want Isabella too!"
I actually saw a lot more parents breaking down then kids.
The NEXT day was the really tough one. We didn't get to walk into class and get her settled in. I had to force her into line with her class when the bell rang. I watched her ears turn red and I knew she was crying a little and it broke my heart!!! I wanted to run in and grab her and race home. I seriously thought about going in to check back on her. But instead I went home and looked at the clock about every 3 minutes until it was finally time to pick her up! My baby is growing up! Afterwords she was fine, she was all excited about her music class, and show and tell day. And even met a new friend and they colored together. I can't believe my baby girl is growing up!

so tired!

Beach trip is being postponed... Bella and Josh were sick last week. Josh thought it was just his allergies... then Bella got sick and got a fever. Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat and by the end of the day both the boys had coughs and runny noses sooo... I think we are going to try to go early Tuesday?

Last night was rough Noah was up late, didn't want to sleep in his crib, he felt clammy and was congested. I couldn't find the baby vicks. Josh just held him and gave him ice water and played Jack Johnson for him for an hour. He made a new play list called "sleepy time." For some reason Jack Johnson has put all of them to sleep as babies. Then Bella was up 4 times, at least?? I lost count, she was scared. When she wakes up she stands in the living room and yells until we come get her. She gets scared sooo easily. She won't even go upstairs by herself. I know part of it is just being in a new place. FINALLY at 4:30 she fell back asleep! Then Jack was up at 6:30 along with a very fussy Noah bear. So to keep the boys quiet I let them watch...
BARNEY!!!
Josh can't stand it! Anytime it comes on he immediately turns the tv off. It always makes me think of my best friend from middle school. Whenever I would go over to her house her Mom would have tapes of Barney on for her little sister. Sad thing is I think the episodes they watched were probably that old!

Fun at the beach!

We took our first trip to the beach since moving!! We went to Mexico beach and stayed two nights. It was so much fun!! We couldn't have asked for better weather. The kids had a blast. Bella was a little fish in the water. If we were out of the beach then she was in the water. She also got TONS of shells. Now she wants to make necklaces out of them.. So I'm trying to figure out how to do that. They also had a chance to use their boogie boards Derek's mom had sent them. Bella just floated around on hers. But Jack, kept standing on his and asking me to push him, on his surf board. LOL! It was so cute and funny. Noah liked it too. Josh just held him in the water for a long time and he just laughed and floated around. An awesome trip! We are already making plans to go back to the beach for a day trip Saturday!




The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so; but we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitoes and silly people. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Noah is now scaling this HUGE chair we have that used to be my Grandpa's. He thinks he's so big. Now, not only does he climb and sit up in the chair. He sticks his feet in the little holes in the back of it and climbs up it! Like a little rock climber. Then he tries to get he blinds so I had to turn it around. I have the funniest video of Jack and Bella sliding down it! When Jack was about Noah's age.

in the sunshine state!

After two days in the car, two nights in motels, and a mini-meltdown we finally made our way to Tallahassee. We drove by our new place to check it out late Monday afternoon. The guy that we were sub-leasing from was still packing up stuff so I knew it wouldn't be totally move in ready. Still, I got nervous when we drove up. We ended up waiting around outside for a few minutes before he showed up. There were mini liquor bottles and trash thrown outside next to the door and aluminum foil taped over the window. Then he let us in... there were huge stains all over the carpet, shot glasses on the kitchen counter and it reeked of smoke. At that point I freaked out and couldn't even really take it in. I thought man we have made A huge mistake! This can't be IT!

I was literally holding back tears and then ended up crying on the drive back to the motel. I spent the next day feeling like my dog had died. It sounds SO selfish and spoiled. I feel embarrassed just thinking about it. But it was just nothing how I had pictured it. then I started thinking about how we have SO much. How lucky we are and how very far we have come. I was already home sick and just SO exhausted from driving. Josh's Mom was so nice she even bought us a new vacuum and took all of us out to eat. Still EVERYONE was on edge and moody and there was lots of family drama. There was all this weird tension that had to do with other things not even related to the move. So it just made the whole mood very weird.. But by the time everyone left Thursday it looked awesome! We got out most of the major stains and aired the place out and the kids loved having a house with stairs and a bathroom that they both can share upstairs.
I really love it now. It's silly how attached you can get to the idea of things. I guess after living out in the middle of nowhere in the country any move is going to be a big adjustment. Also, Josh's Step mom was awesome and made beautiful curtains for Bella's room and downstairs. So sweet of her! We are just a couple minutes from Bella's school. We already took the kids out to play on the playground there. And Bella was so excited. I can't believe my baby will be in school in just two weeks!! We are making the most of the next couple weeks, and are going back to Mexico Beach for a couple days tomorrow!

We also went to Lake Ella, and it was really beautiful. The kids loved all the
turtles.

On another note Noah bug is walking!! He officially took his first steps the day after his first Birthday but just yesterday and today is really on the move!

What a Difference A Year Makes

My littlest baby, sweet baby Noah turned one today. This past year has gone by so quickly! I have enjoyed every minute of cuddling him, nursing him, holding him and smelling his sweet baby smell. Not that I didn't with my two older kids. But, I guess with your first you are so ready for them to get to the next stage. To reach that milestone. You can't wait for them to crawl, then walk, then talk! I realize how precious that first year is, and how it passes by in a flash. I had no problem getting up every couple hours to nurse. I pretty much stayed holed up in the house in my sweatpants and nursing bra for nearly two weeks after he was born and just nursed him and held him.


July 21st 2008 started like any other day. I was 10 days shy of my due date and absolutely miserable. I was so big and uncomfortable, I couldn't sleep longer then 2 or 3 hours at a time. I would normally wake up around 4 or 5 and then would take a nap later in the morning. It was too hot to even be outside so I stayed inside most of the day. Late that morning I forced myself off the couch and into the shower and some how managed to shave my legs. Josh was finishing up with his classes for the day and called to see if I wanted anything from dairy queen for lunch. Of course, I was pregnant! He brought me a chili dog which I devoured then as I got up to use the bathroom I thought I felt something. Now I think it was more than likely my water breaking. Which had never happened on its own before. But after going to the bathroom since it was only a small wet spot. I though I had peed on myself and didn't think much of it. I was hot, bored and going stir crazy so I decided to take Isabella with me over to my Mom's for a visit. She only lived about a 15 minute drive from our house. Just a few minutes into the car ride I thought what felt like a contraction. I blew it off as being a stomachache from the greasy lunch. But they were consistent I had at least 3 in the car. I told my Mom as soon as we walked in I THOUGHT this could be it but I was going to wait around a few minutes to see. Over the next 10 minutes I had two really strong contractions. I knew instantly, this was it! Noah was coming TODAY! I called Josh and told him I was having pretty strong contractions about every 5 minutes and that he should get our bag and get jack ready to go. So we could leave for the hospital as soon as I got back to the house. My Mom followed us out to the car, as I sat down another contraction hit and I had to stand back up in the driveway until it was over. The look on my Mom's face was priceless. "Are you sure you want to drive?" Why don't you just let me take you home?!" "I'll be fine." I said It will just take a few minutes to get home." The contractions were stronger and now about every 4 minutes as I drove down the interstate towards our house. I was having to breathe through them. Isabella sat quietly in the back seat and watched me. "Mommy, why are you blowing?" "It makes my tummy feel better." When I got home it was 4 o'clock about an hour had passed since I had felt my first contraction. We got everyone in the car. I went back up to the house to get the exercise ball and the camera. At this point I was feeling nervous, and I just wanted to get to the hospital. It was a BEAUTIFUL bright, sunny day. When we drove. The kids were so excited in the back seat. They knew Noah was coming! Josh put on a mixed cd he had made and Led Zeppelin's Rain Song came on.

It is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to know.
You are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before.
It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low.

It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom.
Speak to me only with your eyes. It is to you I give this tune.
Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all from
time to time.

It was so beautiful! It was the first time I'd ever heard it.Now every time I do it brings tears to my eyes, I think of the day Noah was born.

We dropped the kids off and then headed to the hospital at this point we had only been in the car maybe 15 minutes. I was getting stronger contractions, I couldn't talk on the phone to my sister and had to hand it off to Josh. "This is just really intense!" I pressed my cheek against the car window and tried to do breathing through another contraction. "You're having another one?" Josh asked. At this point I wasn't able to time them. They were 2 minutes apart. When we got to the hospital I felt relieved, we walked right back to a nurses station in labor and delivery. half a dozen nurses stood around talking. One finally led us to our room. A not so sunny, elderly lady who seemed not SO thrilled to be there. I changed and got on the monitor. The nurse left and sent Josh to the lobby to fill out paper work. The contractions were still every couple minutes. I stood up, laying down wasn't going to happen. I bent over and instinctively bit the blanket on the bed it hurt SO bad. But then in the next minute it was over! I laughed at myself thinking what would the nurse say if she had walked in and seen me. That's the thing that always surprises me about contractions. Yes they are strong, they are brutal, they are a force and pain that's SO intense!! In one minute you can be in this blinding pain and the next boom, it's over. The pain completely stops, just as quickly as it comes on.

When the nurse came back in the room I asked her if she would please NOT check my cervix until Josh came back. I should have known I was SO close! The idea of her checking me made my skin crawl. I just wanted to be left alone. Josh came back and I tried to rest on the bed while she started through a long list of endless questions. I answered maybe 2? Then I couldn't deal with it, I zoned out through the waves of contractions. I could here myself moaning through them, and blowing through them. She leaned forward at one point to adjust the monitor and I apologized from blowing my rank chili breath in her face. Then a few minutes later, she said" You're going to wear yourself out if you keep breathing that fast!" "Screw you!" I thought I no longer liked her and I kept asking Josh to push harder on my lower back which was now killing me! I was feeling panicked, this is what I wanted, but HOW will I keep THIS up for hours?1! It's just TOO intense!! At this point we had only been there maybe 15 minutes, but my contractions were right on top of each other. The nurse left and again I stood up next the bed. I was talking to Josh, then all of a sudden it felt like a bowling bowl was between my legs. I literally felt the Noah's head move down!! "Josh!" I screamed the baby's head is coming out!" At this point Josh ran out to get a nurse. The same half a dozen who had been at the nursing station were now all packed in my room staring at me. "Help me!" I shouted. Our nurse told me I would have to lay back so she could check me. As soon as she did I instantly began to push. She looked at the nurse next to her. "Break down the bed, and page the Doctor." "The head's right there." At this point the urge to push was undeniable. I grunted and pushed, and it started to burn. "No!" Our nurse shouted. I wanted to kick her in the face. Another contraction hit and I pushed again. I was shocked at the noises that came out of my mouth. Deep primal grunts and groans, I didn't care if the entire labor and delivery staff was hanging out at my bedside to watch. It was way beyond me at that point. another nurse finally came up to me she guided my face to hers and looked at me with the warmest brown eyes and the kindest, smile, like we shared a secret. Just breathe. She said. She breathed in and out and I followed her. She looked right at me and I felt high. She looked like mother Earth, Her voice was so calm and even, her smile was so sure. She smiled and took slow even breaths, I followed and smiled back at her. For a moment the contractions were gone, and the room buzzed. Josh looked on, there were tiny beads of sweat on his forehead. It's funny how the room was filled with all these nurses but she was the only one to stop long enough to actually help. I will never forget her kind, beautiful face. FINALLY after what seemed like hours but it really was no more then a few minutes. The Doctor was there! I pushed 3 times and out came Noah Benjamin. Born at 5:08 pm. Just TWO hours, after my first contraction. He was so perfect! He was so pink and healthy and immediately cried. I cried too. My sweet baby was here!
We did it! He had the sweetest little round face, just a little bit of light hair, and the fattest nursey lips I'd ever seen. Everyone was shocked when Josh ran out to the car to grab the camera, and told everyone in the waiting room I had already had the baby! We had been at the hospital 26 minutes! Later, Jack and Bella came to meet their brother for the first time. Bella was so proud and loved to hold him. Jack said "SHE"S pretty!" and then there were five. I never thought I would be so blessed to have such a big, beautiful family!

celebrations...

I haven't written anything on here in weeks! It's been super busy the past month. In exactly one week we will be driving on our way to Tallahassee!! I can't believe it's almost time to go! The time has just FLOWN by!! We got up really early yesterday, to see all the hot air balloons in Kingsport. The do this every year early in the morning. I guess as sort of an end of Fun Fest? I don't know, I had never been to Fun Fest though I had heard about it. But, I'd never heard of the hot air balloons. We got down town about 7:30 and it was packed!! Tons of people lined the sides of the street, sitting on the curb and it lawn chairs just waiting to watch the balloons go up. It reminded me of waiting for a parade to start. Anyway... I was amazed to see so many people. Especially tons of families with little kids. I wasn't exactly thrilled about getting up at 5:30 so we could be in Kingsport by 7:30 but it really was BEAUTIFUL! The kids LOVED it! We stayed until the very last one was way up in the air. Then we went with Josh's Mom and had breakfast. By 11:00 we were all wiped out and everyone came home and took a looong nap.




Today was Josh's brother's Birthday and Noah's Birthday is in just two days so Josh's Mom had a Birthday cookout for them today. It was also the last time we will all get together before the big move! They got Noah the coolest riding wagon with little seats and doors in it. So cute!! They rode around in the driveway forever. Bella and Jack loved it! Noah was not so sure what to think at first. Then Isabella and Jack got got to practice riding their bikes! The bikes were presents they got last month from Grandma. But, because our driveway is gravel and the road we live off is way too busy with traffic and doesn't have sidewalks they have just kept them to ride at Grandma's house. But, they will be going with us to Florida. We will have sidewalks where we are living.





Also, we got to spend the 4th of July weekend in a cabin in North Carolina. It was so beautiful and the friends that invited us had a little boy who was two. So the kids had so much fun playing with him. This is a view from the back deck...