Into the Storm.

It took me a long time to come to terms with Logan's birth. Having my first child be a preemie and spending months in the NICU it was something I never wanted to experience again. With each pregnancy my passion for birth, especially anything related to natural childbirth grew.
With Noah, it was such a positive experience, very fast, very easy. No complications. My end goal was always, a healthy baby. A term baby. Once I hit 37 weeks I would breathe a huge sigh of relief.

After Logan was born his color was terrible so they immediately had to take him over to the warmer and tried stimulating him. I was so exhausted and relieved to have him out I really wasn't concerned about it. We have it on video, he was crying but deep grunting noisy cries. At one point a nurse handed him back to me for only a minute, but then just as quickly took him away again. "That's not a pretty color." She said. My heart sank as I watched her thump his back and rub his little feet. Fear crept in my mind as I realized maybe it was more serious then just taking a few minutes to adjust. Maybe his lungs were premature, and maybe just maybe they would end up having to transfer him to another larger hospital with an NICU.
A nurse practitioner told us they were going to give him some oxygen but that if he kept grunting and didn't show signs of improvement they would call over the on call NICU doctor and they would decide would decide what steps needed to be taken.

I still was holding out that he would perk up and be fine and then would bring him back to me. I told Josh to call his mom and tell her not to bring Bella, just in case Logan still wasn't doing well. Mom and David brought me food and my mom hung my diaper wreath on the door. I felt weak and dizzy. An hour later the NICU team showed up. A doctor came in and sat across from us. "Your son shows signs of lung prematurity." "He will need oxygen and may need to be intubated, and we will give him medication to make him more comfortable."
They went through the endless list of questions, did I drink, any drug use, did I smoke?
"Sometimes, you do everything right and this just happens." The doctor said, other times you have people that smoke, and do everything wrong and have a healthy baby." The next hours were like a blur. The nurse said the doctor who had delivered me would be calling me. He could not have been kinder, he told me he was comfortable with me being discharged and going home that night if I felt up to it. Of course, I couldn't wait to get out of there and over to the hospital where they would be taking Logan. So that was it. A nurse helped me up to the bathroom I put on clean pajamas, signed a stack of paper work, filled out my sons birth certificate and prepared to leave about 3 hours after he was born. I asked to see him before we left, they were just getting ready to transfer Logan by ambulance. A nurse led me into a back room. where my sweet boy was in a incubator that had put in a breathing tube and started an IV. two nurses stood in front of him. The most heart-wrenching thing I've ever seen is a baby crying on a ventilator. You can see the tears, and see them crying. But there is no sound. Just the beep of machines, my poor son was in pain and I couldn't help him. I had made it a point not to cry until then, but at that moment, I just lost it. The doctor said, "Let Mama touch the baby." The nurses moved aside and I held his tiny hand and stroked his head. He was so beautiful. As we walked out into the cool spring night I felt enraged. Why had this happened, why to me? Why?! Not again, my heart was crushed. We drove straight to the hospital and went straight to the third floor, NICU. We picked up the phone to be buzzed in. The smell of the soap made my stomach turn. We had spent three months here when Bella was born, I never thought I would be here again. After hours of sitting with Logan we finally went home to try to sleep for a couple hours.
I climbed into bed and stared at my baby's empty bed and sobbed. "It's going to be alright, it's not fair, but it will be OK, he will be fine." Josh tried to reassure me. Still, there is nothing like the emptiness of leaving the hospital without your baby. Even if it's just for a day. I thought of my own mother, how she had left the hospital years ago only to pick out a tiny gown for her precious girl to be buried in. How had she had the strength to go on, and even try many times again to have a child of her own?

In the morning another doctor called, the diagnosis, possible pneumonia.
I spent the next two days at the NICU and Logan continued to get worse. I sat outside the hospital with Noah in my lap, we had brought him to meet his baby brother. "Baby sick." he said. His worried brown eyes looking down at Logan who was sedated and covered with tubes. He was on a high frequency ventilator then. It shook his whole body. One of the doctors stopped to talk to me, he sat down next to me. "He's very sick isn't he?" I said, "Yes, it worries me when they get like this." I felt numb." "Will he be OK, I mean will he survive this?" I don't know how I was able to even ask him. "He has to." The doctor simply told me. "You must pray." By the end of the afternoon a nurse called us at shift change, the doses of nitric hadn't worked. Logan was still very critical. There was a possibility they would have to put him on ECMO. A machine that provides, heart and lung support. It was the last thing they could do. They didn't have one at our hospital so Logan would be transferred by air to Wake Forest, in Winston Salem. We signed more papers, and I watched as the prepared to take my son. Everyone spoke in whispers, even the tiniest bit of noise, was too much stimulation for such a sick baby. We couldn't even touch him. We drove to my mom's house that day before leaving. The kids had been there for the past two days, and today was Mother's Day. The held up handmade cards they had worked on all day. I kept my sunglasses on and cried so hard I couldn't see straight. "Mommy has to go be with baby brother, he's very sick." They didn't understand, Bella knew her brother was going to another hospital in a helicopter.

If was after two in the morning when we finally made it to the Wake Forest NICU. Josh's boss, who was living in Winston at the time was waiting for us. He offered his condolences and asked if he could do anything to help. Two young women introduced themselves as the on call Doctors. They were in sweats and looked too young to be doctors. They gave us an official diagnosis of Presistent Pulmonary Hypertension, and said Logan had been admitted with respiratory failure.
"He is very critical, but he's not the sickest baby here." "We will only use ECMO as a last resort, and we may not even need to. We just want to be prepared." I hadn't slept in nearly three days, I cried again and a nurse hugged me. "Go try to get some, rest. There is nothing you can do for him now." "We will call you if anything changes." I wanted to hold my baby, to touch his tiny face and hands, to let him feel me. He was sedated and on a Fentanyl drip. Even my hands on him were too much stimulation. Over the next 9 days Logan got better. I cried, and pumped and prayed, and cried some more. I will say one thing for Wake Forest, never have I encountered so many caring souls, the doctors, nurses, social workers for the hospital, even the lactation consultant. Everyone was so kind and accommodating. So quick with hugs and kind words which mean so much in times when there really isn't anything to do but wait.
Logan was getting better, on the 9th day in Winston they began weaning him from his pain medicine, Josh called me ecstatic form the hospital, he had gone in alone that morning while I had stayed with the boys, who had joined us later in the week. "They are taking him off the ventilator, they say he's a rock star, and if he keeps improving they should be able to transfer him home sometime tomorrow!"Later a 30 second video came through the phone. I watched as my son opened his eyes for the first time, and I got a glimpse of his face without the tape to hold the breathing tube in-place. "Logan." Josh cooed in the background. "Hi buddy, your doing really good." Your nose looks just like your brother's, Jack." I cried tears of pure joy and was never so happy in my life. I knew we still had a long road ahead of us but my son was a fighter, he would survive. The very next day he was able to come back to our hospital in Tennessee. He arrived home completely weaned off oxygen. Which I guess he decided he had had enough of on the ambulance ride back. Eating was tricky, he was tired and still recovering from being so sick To everyone surprise and my delight he was able to nurse much more efficiently then taking a bottle of pumped milk. Nearly three weeks after his birth, our sweet baby boy was finally able to come home. I will never forget all the wonderfully, kind family, friends and hospital staff that helped us make it through such an unimaginable time. There really are angels among us. I know that to be true.

What a Difference A Year Makes

My littlest baby, sweet baby Noah turned one today. This past year has gone by so quickly! I have enjoyed every minute of cuddling him, nursing him, holding him and smelling his sweet baby smell. Not that I didn't with my two older kids. But, I guess with your first you are so ready for them to get to the next stage. To reach that milestone. You can't wait for them to crawl, then walk, then talk! I realize how precious that first year is, and how it passes by in a flash. I had no problem getting up every couple hours to nurse. I pretty much stayed holed up in the house in my sweatpants and nursing bra for nearly two weeks after he was born and just nursed him and held him.


July 21st 2008 started like any other day. I was 10 days shy of my due date and absolutely miserable. I was so big and uncomfortable, I couldn't sleep longer then 2 or 3 hours at a time. I would normally wake up around 4 or 5 and then would take a nap later in the morning. It was too hot to even be outside so I stayed inside most of the day. Late that morning I forced myself off the couch and into the shower and some how managed to shave my legs. Josh was finishing up with his classes for the day and called to see if I wanted anything from dairy queen for lunch. Of course, I was pregnant! He brought me a chili dog which I devoured then as I got up to use the bathroom I thought I felt something. Now I think it was more than likely my water breaking. Which had never happened on its own before. But after going to the bathroom since it was only a small wet spot. I though I had peed on myself and didn't think much of it. I was hot, bored and going stir crazy so I decided to take Isabella with me over to my Mom's for a visit. She only lived about a 15 minute drive from our house. Just a few minutes into the car ride I thought what felt like a contraction. I blew it off as being a stomachache from the greasy lunch. But they were consistent I had at least 3 in the car. I told my Mom as soon as we walked in I THOUGHT this could be it but I was going to wait around a few minutes to see. Over the next 10 minutes I had two really strong contractions. I knew instantly, this was it! Noah was coming TODAY! I called Josh and told him I was having pretty strong contractions about every 5 minutes and that he should get our bag and get jack ready to go. So we could leave for the hospital as soon as I got back to the house. My Mom followed us out to the car, as I sat down another contraction hit and I had to stand back up in the driveway until it was over. The look on my Mom's face was priceless. "Are you sure you want to drive?" Why don't you just let me take you home?!" "I'll be fine." I said It will just take a few minutes to get home." The contractions were stronger and now about every 4 minutes as I drove down the interstate towards our house. I was having to breathe through them. Isabella sat quietly in the back seat and watched me. "Mommy, why are you blowing?" "It makes my tummy feel better." When I got home it was 4 o'clock about an hour had passed since I had felt my first contraction. We got everyone in the car. I went back up to the house to get the exercise ball and the camera. At this point I was feeling nervous, and I just wanted to get to the hospital. It was a BEAUTIFUL bright, sunny day. When we drove. The kids were so excited in the back seat. They knew Noah was coming! Josh put on a mixed cd he had made and Led Zeppelin's Rain Song came on.

It is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to know.
You are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before.
It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low.

It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom.
Speak to me only with your eyes. It is to you I give this tune.
Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all from
time to time.

It was so beautiful! It was the first time I'd ever heard it.Now every time I do it brings tears to my eyes, I think of the day Noah was born.

We dropped the kids off and then headed to the hospital at this point we had only been in the car maybe 15 minutes. I was getting stronger contractions, I couldn't talk on the phone to my sister and had to hand it off to Josh. "This is just really intense!" I pressed my cheek against the car window and tried to do breathing through another contraction. "You're having another one?" Josh asked. At this point I wasn't able to time them. They were 2 minutes apart. When we got to the hospital I felt relieved, we walked right back to a nurses station in labor and delivery. half a dozen nurses stood around talking. One finally led us to our room. A not so sunny, elderly lady who seemed not SO thrilled to be there. I changed and got on the monitor. The nurse left and sent Josh to the lobby to fill out paper work. The contractions were still every couple minutes. I stood up, laying down wasn't going to happen. I bent over and instinctively bit the blanket on the bed it hurt SO bad. But then in the next minute it was over! I laughed at myself thinking what would the nurse say if she had walked in and seen me. That's the thing that always surprises me about contractions. Yes they are strong, they are brutal, they are a force and pain that's SO intense!! In one minute you can be in this blinding pain and the next boom, it's over. The pain completely stops, just as quickly as it comes on.

When the nurse came back in the room I asked her if she would please NOT check my cervix until Josh came back. I should have known I was SO close! The idea of her checking me made my skin crawl. I just wanted to be left alone. Josh came back and I tried to rest on the bed while she started through a long list of endless questions. I answered maybe 2? Then I couldn't deal with it, I zoned out through the waves of contractions. I could here myself moaning through them, and blowing through them. She leaned forward at one point to adjust the monitor and I apologized from blowing my rank chili breath in her face. Then a few minutes later, she said" You're going to wear yourself out if you keep breathing that fast!" "Screw you!" I thought I no longer liked her and I kept asking Josh to push harder on my lower back which was now killing me! I was feeling panicked, this is what I wanted, but HOW will I keep THIS up for hours?1! It's just TOO intense!! At this point we had only been there maybe 15 minutes, but my contractions were right on top of each other. The nurse left and again I stood up next the bed. I was talking to Josh, then all of a sudden it felt like a bowling bowl was between my legs. I literally felt the Noah's head move down!! "Josh!" I screamed the baby's head is coming out!" At this point Josh ran out to get a nurse. The same half a dozen who had been at the nursing station were now all packed in my room staring at me. "Help me!" I shouted. Our nurse told me I would have to lay back so she could check me. As soon as she did I instantly began to push. She looked at the nurse next to her. "Break down the bed, and page the Doctor." "The head's right there." At this point the urge to push was undeniable. I grunted and pushed, and it started to burn. "No!" Our nurse shouted. I wanted to kick her in the face. Another contraction hit and I pushed again. I was shocked at the noises that came out of my mouth. Deep primal grunts and groans, I didn't care if the entire labor and delivery staff was hanging out at my bedside to watch. It was way beyond me at that point. another nurse finally came up to me she guided my face to hers and looked at me with the warmest brown eyes and the kindest, smile, like we shared a secret. Just breathe. She said. She breathed in and out and I followed her. She looked right at me and I felt high. She looked like mother Earth, Her voice was so calm and even, her smile was so sure. She smiled and took slow even breaths, I followed and smiled back at her. For a moment the contractions were gone, and the room buzzed. Josh looked on, there were tiny beads of sweat on his forehead. It's funny how the room was filled with all these nurses but she was the only one to stop long enough to actually help. I will never forget her kind, beautiful face. FINALLY after what seemed like hours but it really was no more then a few minutes. The Doctor was there! I pushed 3 times and out came Noah Benjamin. Born at 5:08 pm. Just TWO hours, after my first contraction. He was so perfect! He was so pink and healthy and immediately cried. I cried too. My sweet baby was here!
We did it! He had the sweetest little round face, just a little bit of light hair, and the fattest nursey lips I'd ever seen. Everyone was shocked when Josh ran out to the car to grab the camera, and told everyone in the waiting room I had already had the baby! We had been at the hospital 26 minutes! Later, Jack and Bella came to meet their brother for the first time. Bella was so proud and loved to hold him. Jack said "SHE"S pretty!" and then there were five. I never thought I would be so blessed to have such a big, beautiful family!