What a Difference A Year Makes

My littlest baby, sweet baby Noah turned one today. This past year has gone by so quickly! I have enjoyed every minute of cuddling him, nursing him, holding him and smelling his sweet baby smell. Not that I didn't with my two older kids. But, I guess with your first you are so ready for them to get to the next stage. To reach that milestone. You can't wait for them to crawl, then walk, then talk! I realize how precious that first year is, and how it passes by in a flash. I had no problem getting up every couple hours to nurse. I pretty much stayed holed up in the house in my sweatpants and nursing bra for nearly two weeks after he was born and just nursed him and held him.


July 21st 2008 started like any other day. I was 10 days shy of my due date and absolutely miserable. I was so big and uncomfortable, I couldn't sleep longer then 2 or 3 hours at a time. I would normally wake up around 4 or 5 and then would take a nap later in the morning. It was too hot to even be outside so I stayed inside most of the day. Late that morning I forced myself off the couch and into the shower and some how managed to shave my legs. Josh was finishing up with his classes for the day and called to see if I wanted anything from dairy queen for lunch. Of course, I was pregnant! He brought me a chili dog which I devoured then as I got up to use the bathroom I thought I felt something. Now I think it was more than likely my water breaking. Which had never happened on its own before. But after going to the bathroom since it was only a small wet spot. I though I had peed on myself and didn't think much of it. I was hot, bored and going stir crazy so I decided to take Isabella with me over to my Mom's for a visit. She only lived about a 15 minute drive from our house. Just a few minutes into the car ride I thought what felt like a contraction. I blew it off as being a stomachache from the greasy lunch. But they were consistent I had at least 3 in the car. I told my Mom as soon as we walked in I THOUGHT this could be it but I was going to wait around a few minutes to see. Over the next 10 minutes I had two really strong contractions. I knew instantly, this was it! Noah was coming TODAY! I called Josh and told him I was having pretty strong contractions about every 5 minutes and that he should get our bag and get jack ready to go. So we could leave for the hospital as soon as I got back to the house. My Mom followed us out to the car, as I sat down another contraction hit and I had to stand back up in the driveway until it was over. The look on my Mom's face was priceless. "Are you sure you want to drive?" Why don't you just let me take you home?!" "I'll be fine." I said It will just take a few minutes to get home." The contractions were stronger and now about every 4 minutes as I drove down the interstate towards our house. I was having to breathe through them. Isabella sat quietly in the back seat and watched me. "Mommy, why are you blowing?" "It makes my tummy feel better." When I got home it was 4 o'clock about an hour had passed since I had felt my first contraction. We got everyone in the car. I went back up to the house to get the exercise ball and the camera. At this point I was feeling nervous, and I just wanted to get to the hospital. It was a BEAUTIFUL bright, sunny day. When we drove. The kids were so excited in the back seat. They knew Noah was coming! Josh put on a mixed cd he had made and Led Zeppelin's Rain Song came on.

It is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to know.
You are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before.
It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low.

It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom.
Speak to me only with your eyes. It is to you I give this tune.
Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all from
time to time.

It was so beautiful! It was the first time I'd ever heard it.Now every time I do it brings tears to my eyes, I think of the day Noah was born.

We dropped the kids off and then headed to the hospital at this point we had only been in the car maybe 15 minutes. I was getting stronger contractions, I couldn't talk on the phone to my sister and had to hand it off to Josh. "This is just really intense!" I pressed my cheek against the car window and tried to do breathing through another contraction. "You're having another one?" Josh asked. At this point I wasn't able to time them. They were 2 minutes apart. When we got to the hospital I felt relieved, we walked right back to a nurses station in labor and delivery. half a dozen nurses stood around talking. One finally led us to our room. A not so sunny, elderly lady who seemed not SO thrilled to be there. I changed and got on the monitor. The nurse left and sent Josh to the lobby to fill out paper work. The contractions were still every couple minutes. I stood up, laying down wasn't going to happen. I bent over and instinctively bit the blanket on the bed it hurt SO bad. But then in the next minute it was over! I laughed at myself thinking what would the nurse say if she had walked in and seen me. That's the thing that always surprises me about contractions. Yes they are strong, they are brutal, they are a force and pain that's SO intense!! In one minute you can be in this blinding pain and the next boom, it's over. The pain completely stops, just as quickly as it comes on.

When the nurse came back in the room I asked her if she would please NOT check my cervix until Josh came back. I should have known I was SO close! The idea of her checking me made my skin crawl. I just wanted to be left alone. Josh came back and I tried to rest on the bed while she started through a long list of endless questions. I answered maybe 2? Then I couldn't deal with it, I zoned out through the waves of contractions. I could here myself moaning through them, and blowing through them. She leaned forward at one point to adjust the monitor and I apologized from blowing my rank chili breath in her face. Then a few minutes later, she said" You're going to wear yourself out if you keep breathing that fast!" "Screw you!" I thought I no longer liked her and I kept asking Josh to push harder on my lower back which was now killing me! I was feeling panicked, this is what I wanted, but HOW will I keep THIS up for hours?1! It's just TOO intense!! At this point we had only been there maybe 15 minutes, but my contractions were right on top of each other. The nurse left and again I stood up next the bed. I was talking to Josh, then all of a sudden it felt like a bowling bowl was between my legs. I literally felt the Noah's head move down!! "Josh!" I screamed the baby's head is coming out!" At this point Josh ran out to get a nurse. The same half a dozen who had been at the nursing station were now all packed in my room staring at me. "Help me!" I shouted. Our nurse told me I would have to lay back so she could check me. As soon as she did I instantly began to push. She looked at the nurse next to her. "Break down the bed, and page the Doctor." "The head's right there." At this point the urge to push was undeniable. I grunted and pushed, and it started to burn. "No!" Our nurse shouted. I wanted to kick her in the face. Another contraction hit and I pushed again. I was shocked at the noises that came out of my mouth. Deep primal grunts and groans, I didn't care if the entire labor and delivery staff was hanging out at my bedside to watch. It was way beyond me at that point. another nurse finally came up to me she guided my face to hers and looked at me with the warmest brown eyes and the kindest, smile, like we shared a secret. Just breathe. She said. She breathed in and out and I followed her. She looked right at me and I felt high. She looked like mother Earth, Her voice was so calm and even, her smile was so sure. She smiled and took slow even breaths, I followed and smiled back at her. For a moment the contractions were gone, and the room buzzed. Josh looked on, there were tiny beads of sweat on his forehead. It's funny how the room was filled with all these nurses but she was the only one to stop long enough to actually help. I will never forget her kind, beautiful face. FINALLY after what seemed like hours but it really was no more then a few minutes. The Doctor was there! I pushed 3 times and out came Noah Benjamin. Born at 5:08 pm. Just TWO hours, after my first contraction. He was so perfect! He was so pink and healthy and immediately cried. I cried too. My sweet baby was here!
We did it! He had the sweetest little round face, just a little bit of light hair, and the fattest nursey lips I'd ever seen. Everyone was shocked when Josh ran out to the car to grab the camera, and told everyone in the waiting room I had already had the baby! We had been at the hospital 26 minutes! Later, Jack and Bella came to meet their brother for the first time. Bella was so proud and loved to hold him. Jack said "SHE"S pretty!" and then there were five. I never thought I would be so blessed to have such a big, beautiful family!

celebrations...

I haven't written anything on here in weeks! It's been super busy the past month. In exactly one week we will be driving on our way to Tallahassee!! I can't believe it's almost time to go! The time has just FLOWN by!! We got up really early yesterday, to see all the hot air balloons in Kingsport. The do this every year early in the morning. I guess as sort of an end of Fun Fest? I don't know, I had never been to Fun Fest though I had heard about it. But, I'd never heard of the hot air balloons. We got down town about 7:30 and it was packed!! Tons of people lined the sides of the street, sitting on the curb and it lawn chairs just waiting to watch the balloons go up. It reminded me of waiting for a parade to start. Anyway... I was amazed to see so many people. Especially tons of families with little kids. I wasn't exactly thrilled about getting up at 5:30 so we could be in Kingsport by 7:30 but it really was BEAUTIFUL! The kids LOVED it! We stayed until the very last one was way up in the air. Then we went with Josh's Mom and had breakfast. By 11:00 we were all wiped out and everyone came home and took a looong nap.




Today was Josh's brother's Birthday and Noah's Birthday is in just two days so Josh's Mom had a Birthday cookout for them today. It was also the last time we will all get together before the big move! They got Noah the coolest riding wagon with little seats and doors in it. So cute!! They rode around in the driveway forever. Bella and Jack loved it! Noah was not so sure what to think at first. Then Isabella and Jack got got to practice riding their bikes! The bikes were presents they got last month from Grandma. But, because our driveway is gravel and the road we live off is way too busy with traffic and doesn't have sidewalks they have just kept them to ride at Grandma's house. But, they will be going with us to Florida. We will have sidewalks where we are living.





Also, we got to spend the 4th of July weekend in a cabin in North Carolina. It was so beautiful and the friends that invited us had a little boy who was two. So the kids had so much fun playing with him. This is a view from the back deck...

For Josh.

June 8th 2002

I love my husband. I know, if I was just meeting him for the first time, I would still be just as attracted to him. Just as fascinated by what he has to say. He is truly besides our 3 babies my favorite person on the planet. He is the realest person I have ever known.
When we met 8 years ago I was just finishing high school. I literally had just graduated a couple days before we met. We did EVERYTHING the wrong way the way everyone tells you not to do it!

June 8th 2009
We were inseparable from our first date on. A couple months later we decided to move in together. My Mom was so upset, she thought at any minute I would come home. At the time I was 18 and he was 20. We decided to get engaged about 4 months later. We drove over to my Mom's house to tell her in person. To make it official! Thinking back now, how young we were, I was just 18!! We hadn't even known each other 6 months, neither of us had jobs at the time or were in school. I can't believe they all didn't laugh in our faces. When we got married almost a year to the day we met. Nobody thought it would last!

Well, we made it. Or are making it. I know no relationship, no marriage is perfect. I believe in taking each day as it come. I believe in love, and in compromise, and most of all I believe in letting the little things slide! Freaking out when things don't go exactly as you want, or arguing when you don't agree JUST to get your way are the biggest mistakes I've made! It took me so long to learn to pick and choose my battles wisely. It took me forever to learn that! These are just a few things I love about Josh...

He is the best listener. When you tell him something, he really hears it. He gets it.
He never puts on an act, he is what he is. Nothing more, nothing less. If you are an insurance salesman, working at Burger King, a bank executive, or a homeless person on the street. He will treat you the exact same. He has so much respect for EVERYONE. He cares REALLY cares about people. And wants to make a change. He is such an awesome Dad. The love he has for his kids amazes me. He's so patient with them. He also helps with them as much as I do. changing them, feeding them, giving them a bath. And he LIKES to do it! I'm so grateful he hasn't had a regular 9-5 job so he has had the chance to spend so much time with the kids! He is such a hard worker! He puts all his energy and focus, into whatever he's doing. He has taught me so much about myself! Not to sell myself short. Whatever I'm interested in. He will listen and want to learn about it too. He has taught me so much about the nature of people,and what's really important. He is truly my hero. I love to just hear him talk, and he is the best whistler! Seriously, it's a lost art! He's always singing too. Always, and it makes me happy.

I miss... flashback... not sure where this is going.

I have been missing my sister like crazy since she moved. She's only been gone a couple weeks and it feel like months!! We are trying to plan some last minute things to do before we move at the end of next month. Places we want to see and revisit. I know we will be back, but, I know it won't be the same too. Which is really bitter sweet. Things I "plan" on doing... it's a running joke because I know half of them probably won't happen...

I want to drive into Elizabethton, feed the ducks, take pictures of the covered bridge, and take my kids to the park there. Then maybe eat at Dino's. The down town area is dead, the little ice cream shop across the street is gone. I believe last time I drove by it was a dentist office? Still these are my most cherished memories, and places of being little. I also wanted to drive by my Grandparents home, where I spent practically every weekend and summer of my childhood. But I'll have to see, that might be too much.

We were thinking about going to Dennis Cove and having a picnic. It's so beautiful here. Driving home from Tallahassee I really looked at the mountains for the first time and was in awe of how beautiful they are, right in my back yard. It is so beautiful! Lately every night we have deer come into the back yard and eat off our pear tree. Normally I just see two or three. Last year around April I saw 9! Also we have mint and honey suckle everywhere I will miss how good it smells, and the sounds of the train at night.

When I was 7 and my mom decided to pack up my sister and I and move us to Miami so she could marry husband number two. An architect she had met at a high school reunion.

The wedding was fun, I thought at the time. I got to wear a ridiculously poofy mint colored dress. And got to get my hair done at a beauty salon, where they gave me a french braid with little bits of baby's breath tucked in it. I snuck champagne at the reception and drank a big mouthful on a dare from a 13 yr. old cousin. I liked when the DJ announced my name in the wedding party and then everyone clapped and smiled at me.

I was always a really emotional child, a worrier, fretful, and painfully shy. Being so far away in a new place didn't help things.
I didn't like the rest of our "extended vacation". I hated the iron bars over all the windows of the houses, in our neighborhood. The sandy red dirt, the mountains of fire ant hills, that I was always stepping into. The lizards that darted around on our back porch, and a huge yellow and black spider that had made it's home directly in the middle of my bedroom window outside. it seemed to glow at night I could hardly close my eyes to sleep for starring at it through the glass.

We went through half a dozen babysitters in the 8 months we lived there. A Hispanic, lady who was Catholic, she would always have us pray and would do the sign of the cross before eating. There was a tiny Jamaican woman who could hardly speak to me. But was kind to me when my mom went out of town. She put my hair in tight braids or high ponytails before I would leave for school. There was a 19 year old hispanic girl from our neighborhood who watched us a couple times. We bonded over Rescue 911 being our favorite show. ( Which at 7 I was not allowed to watch but did anyway.) She would say in her thick accent " I always like to watch the shown, then in emergency I know what to do!" She always scared me to death by telling stories of break ins and robberies and near death experiences of all her friends. There was Jody, who was 30 and drove a beat up green Honda. She seemed nice enough until she started helping herself to my Mom's closet when it was nap time for the kids. My favorite was Jeanie, a nice grandma type lady. Who made me think of my own grandma back in Tennessee.

My stepfather drove me to school every morning in his jeep. My school was a big ugly, key lime green colored, stucco building. Something that color you would only see in Florida. My teacher was mean. Mrs. Wall. She had bug eyes, and balls of pit hair, and wore long nylon dresses. My only friends were Nikki, a redhead that lived a street over from us and Christina, who was from Cuba. Christina and I sat together alone at a long lunch table. We both ended up with warm, sour cartoons of chocolate milk. On our first day. We had contests to see who could hold their breath the longest. She would always pinch her nose closed when we started. I never did, I always won.

In school I remember a worksheet being slammed down onto my desk "A D!!" My teacher screamed referring to a test I had taken the day before. I don't remember what else was said. Just that she stood over me yelling, and that she was really tall. I remember on the front was a a picture of a window with a moon shining through and under you were supposed to choose an answer what time of day it was. I sucked back hot tears and my hands worked furiously to erase every wrong answer on the page. The eraser left ugly gray smudges on the paper. I continued to do this and didn't dare look up. Not even when our Spanish teacher came in to take over and do our 30 minute Spanish class. "Emily." She said in a sweet voice, you're not supposed to be working on homework now sweetheart." I immediately broke down and cried so hard my shoulders shook. Mrs.Wall came over and put her hands on my shoulders."She didn't know, yes, it's alright." She said in a sick motherly voice. In a few months I would be leaving.


Less than six months after the I do's, it was over.I remember being told to say goodbye to my Stepfather he was laying in bed, his face was red and his eyes were bloodshot from crying. He said "Remember if you ever need another Dad, I'm here." or something to that effect. Which I could have cared less about. I was thrilled to go home and didn't think anything of him. Those tears were for the loss of my Mom, who looking back I do believe he genuinely loved. Not for the loss of "2 daughters". He would force us to sit at the kitchen table until we ate out nightly dose of squash. He also was found of putting us in the corner as discipline. Once he left my sister standing there so long she peed her pants. In the beginning my mom asked us to call him Dad. which I didn't remember until years later. I missed my own daddy who looked skinny and tired, and sad when we would drive down to see us. He gladly offered Mom whatever she wanted. He was desperate to get us back home. Finally, after reality set in, Mom agreed. He bought our old house back for my mom and sister and I to live in and moved us all back.

We drove back into the mountains, of Tennessee late at night. When I opened my car door to get out the first thing the hit me was the cold, crisp air. I had never smelled anything so wonderful. It was quiet and dark, and the only thing you could hear was a train rushing past us in the distance. This was home. Never had I been so happy to be anywhere in my life.

Birthday Weekend....

This weekend was so busy!! Friday was my 26th Birthday! Josh's Mom had invited me to go with her to get a massage as a birthday present. So we headed to Kingport early so I could do that. It was my first massage experience so I wasn't really sure what to expect. But it was really calming and nice. They have soft music playing and the table which looked like a little bed was heated! She used all these hot stones and oils. lavender and tea tree oil, and hot towels... It was awesome! I told her I held a lot of stress in my shoulders and when she started massaging them I could hear this weird popping noise. I was thinking what IS that?! LOL. She said it was my lymphatic system releasing toxins that were built up in my muscles. I'm sure there was a lot to work out of there!! Anyway... after all that I didn't want to move! But we had to go back to Josh's mom's they took us all out for lunch. Then we came back home and just spent the day hanging out together. Josh got me two beautiful books. One was short stories of Richard Yates. Who I've gotten really into lately and the other was Wally Lamb's latest book. Then He gave me a beautiful butterfly pendant Isabella had picked out at the Blue Plum Festival for me. It was really so beautiful, and she was so proud and excited to show me. It was really such a great day.

Then Saturday we went back to Josh's Moms to have a cookout with the whole family. My parents were there, and Josh's brother and Judy. She made this really yummy marinated basil, lime chicken and grilled vegetables, and cold chinese noodles. It was soooo good!! She even made cakes for each of us. A cheesecake for Josh, and a Texas sheet cake for me. Which if you don't know is the most awesome chocolate cake on the planet! Any chocoholic lovers dream!!! It was so sweet of her, especially because she had been on call all weekend! She had only gotten home a few hours earlier. Later that night we went to Down Home with Dad to hear a band play.

Then..... Sunday we had Josh's Birthday and we celebrated here at the house with just us! Bella got him Scooby-Doo shirt she couldn't wait for him to open. And he loved it! It was such a fun weekend. I feel so loved! It was also so special to spend it with my Dad, after he had been so sick. It really puts things into prospective.

Random Bella quote from this weekend...
"Mommy, why does Jack not have a shirt on?"

Me- "Because he just doesn't want to wear one right now."

"Jack you look like a REAL man!!"

Playin in a travelin' band..... with Johnny & Cher.

The past few days have been really rainy. Lots of storms. So... we have been hanging out inside most of the time. Yesterday the kids decided to play in the "band" ( bang stuff on the kitchen table) they got a really nice kit of musical instruments from Judy for Bella's Birthday. symbols, wooden spoons, maracas, a triangle, and a tambourine. Also we added Daddy's old harmonica to the mix, that's Jackson's favorite.
We played for a while then I played DJ and played songs. We had to hear Bella's favorite Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves by Chere!! LOL. I don't know where she heard it, but that is HER song. She won't listen to any other Cher. Just that one. And of course Jack, is our Johnny Cash fan. He likes Ring of Fire so we played that about 20 times. Also Rusty Cage came on with Johnny Cash singing it. And Jackson was like "It's Johnny Cash!" one minute into the song! They are so much fun, I'm so glad the both love music so much!

so many changes...

I feel so completely overwhelmed by all the changes that are happening all at once it seems. Our move in the next few months, my sister moving, my Dad getting sick.

I'm so excited to move but also at the same time feel sad about losing my support system of family I have here now! Luckily Dad is MUCH better home from the hospital and on new medicine that's helping. Josh is gone for at least a week to do work at his Dad's house and Anna left yesterday. So it's just me and the kiddies. We found out today we were not approved for an apartment we were hoping to get in Tallahassee. But it turns out it was really a blessing in disguise because the school district in that part of town is terrible. Please pray and send out positive thoughts that we will find a safe, comfortable place to live. With a good school for Bella!

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6